So much of my growth, healing, strength and courage stems from my spiritual life. I honestly believe that when that is missing it is near impossible to have strength,courage or live in a good way. A persons' spirituality is his/her own. No matter what it is that path needs to be walked in a good way, with intention and integrity. None of us are perfect but a true spirituality does not demand perfection just dedication. My biggest peeve and where I find sadness is seeing so many people only giving good lip service.
Our actions are our only true belongings and the foundation on which we stand. This is one of the most profound teachings for my life from my practice and belief in the Zen Buddhist ways of Mindfulness. These ways have ushered me through some of the most difficult times of my life: the middle & last stages of my late husbands' life with cancer, his death and my new beginning.
I would have sunk without this part of my life.
I started on this road in late 2008 with my late husband. I grew up Catholic. From the time I was able to understand that there were other religions and spiritual ways I was curious because the religion I grew up with never felt right to me. My parents were pretty devoted to it and I grew up with wonderful examples of people walking their talk in that way and having deep faith. I have had and still do have examples of people in my life whom also do this as Catholics. Whether or not I agree with what they believe in does not so much matter to me as it does that I see their deep faith and integrity. I am not talking about dogmatic fanaticism in people just genuine belief and practice.
Honestly, I cannot give you a complete history of the Buddha or tell you everything that Buddhism encompasses. I can tell you about the teachings I receive and the ways that they impact my life. I hold them in my heart and walk with them through my days. I have found another way that I feel is compatible and enhancing to my practice and that is part of my heritage as a Native American. Both ways enhance my life.
I have a dear friend whom walks with integrity in his ways. I have great respect for him for this reason. Early in our friendship he made a comment that my ways seem to serve me well. For me that was a huge compliment. It still is and in weak times I draw strength knowing that someone recognized that in me.
I believe that spirituality with integrity plays a vital role in living a Holistic life and having good health. Body, mind & spirit are one. They are not separate. Sometimes these statements are taken as an attack or judgement but that is not the intention. When we find ourselves, our whole selves, that need to defend lessens which has an enormous effect on us mentally and physically. Unfortunately, we live in a world full of people who have no idea who they are so they attack and in my experience the people that they attack are the people who walk with integrity and self worth. Self worth is not the same as arrogance or selfishness. It is knowing who you are and walking your talk with confidence and faith.
Search out your spirituality and remember that you already have everything that you need to be happy. It is innate so start with yourself.
Make it so! :}
Sunday, February 9, 2014
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Holistic
As I was studying tonight in the library tears fell on the pages. I was reading one of the lectures for my course on the Endocrine system and it was describing in detail what happened to my late husband Paul in his final months, hours and minutes. Paul had cancer and he died after going into cardiac arrest. I watched it happen, witnessed several ER doctors and nurses all around him even on top of him trying to bring him back. I witnessed every minute, every second of those last months, hours and minutes. Paul had been treated for cancer for almost three years but he had not been treated for all of the imbalances that contributed to and would result from a cancer diagnosis. He was not being treated Holistically. Cancers, and all disease, are the results of systematic imbalance and must be treated as such. Imbalances break the systems down and our bodies function as a series of interdependent systems. If one is sick it has an effect on the rest.
Anger and hurt mixed with my tears tonight as I was thinking why did he not get treated properly if I am learning this as a Nutritionist why didn't his doctor know it and if he did why didn't he treat him properly? I believe the answer is that I study Holistic Nutrition. I have dear friends and acquaintances that are suffering tonight because we do not think, are not taught to think, Holistically.
A fantastic example of this is the state of our environment. We and all that we share this earth with can't live on the planet without water, air and food. We pollute all of these essential elements of life and wonder why disease, illness and social unrest are so rampant. We function as part of a system on this planet and when one is out of balance it throws the rest out of balance so we have sick water, soil, air and food as well as sick humans, animals, fish, etc.
It is vital to our survival that we learn to think, teach and live in connection. We are not separate and we cannot heal separately. The idea of finding our balance is not just hippie, new age talk. It is wisdom and truth.
I purposefully chose a Holistic Nutrition program because personal experience with serious illnesses taught me that there is always a bigger picture. The more I study the more I realize that the way illness is dealt with in modern, western ways is severely flawed in its' separateness. We go to one specialist for digestive issues and another for skin problems. I can appreciate focusing knowledge and understanding on a certain area what about treatment that understands them as a connected system. I am not in medical school even though it feels like it sometimes. I do not just study food nutrients although many nutrition programs do just focus there. I study food, body systems, including the mental and emotional and the connection they all share in creating the whole person. This is Holistic practice and I believe that it is the only real way to be healthy. I am not totally knocking Allopathic practice because it saved my life in 2007. It left its' mark in other ways too. It has its' place and there are times when it is necessary but we have come to view it as a catch all. We can just go get a pill, a shot or an invasive procedure and we will be fine. Not true. The many fixes that the medical world is able to provide are not supposed to be excuses for us to shrug responsibility and live without care. We are responsible for our health and we must learn how our bodies function so that when illness hits we can effectively deal with it.
Also, if we want change in how our health care needs are met it is our responsibility to do something about it. It is one of the reasons that I am studying and I intend to make a difference for people but I expect those people to make a difference for themselves under my guidance.
Live Holistically, learn what that means!
Anger and hurt mixed with my tears tonight as I was thinking why did he not get treated properly if I am learning this as a Nutritionist why didn't his doctor know it and if he did why didn't he treat him properly? I believe the answer is that I study Holistic Nutrition. I have dear friends and acquaintances that are suffering tonight because we do not think, are not taught to think, Holistically.
A fantastic example of this is the state of our environment. We and all that we share this earth with can't live on the planet without water, air and food. We pollute all of these essential elements of life and wonder why disease, illness and social unrest are so rampant. We function as part of a system on this planet and when one is out of balance it throws the rest out of balance so we have sick water, soil, air and food as well as sick humans, animals, fish, etc.
It is vital to our survival that we learn to think, teach and live in connection. We are not separate and we cannot heal separately. The idea of finding our balance is not just hippie, new age talk. It is wisdom and truth.
I purposefully chose a Holistic Nutrition program because personal experience with serious illnesses taught me that there is always a bigger picture. The more I study the more I realize that the way illness is dealt with in modern, western ways is severely flawed in its' separateness. We go to one specialist for digestive issues and another for skin problems. I can appreciate focusing knowledge and understanding on a certain area what about treatment that understands them as a connected system. I am not in medical school even though it feels like it sometimes. I do not just study food nutrients although many nutrition programs do just focus there. I study food, body systems, including the mental and emotional and the connection they all share in creating the whole person. This is Holistic practice and I believe that it is the only real way to be healthy. I am not totally knocking Allopathic practice because it saved my life in 2007. It left its' mark in other ways too. It has its' place and there are times when it is necessary but we have come to view it as a catch all. We can just go get a pill, a shot or an invasive procedure and we will be fine. Not true. The many fixes that the medical world is able to provide are not supposed to be excuses for us to shrug responsibility and live without care. We are responsible for our health and we must learn how our bodies function so that when illness hits we can effectively deal with it.
Also, if we want change in how our health care needs are met it is our responsibility to do something about it. It is one of the reasons that I am studying and I intend to make a difference for people but I expect those people to make a difference for themselves under my guidance.
Live Holistically, learn what that means!
Tuesday, November 5, 2013
Letting Go
Each day offers an opportunity to begin anew. In the last several weeks more than any time I can recall I have felt like things are/were changing for me. The last three years have been an overwhelming whirlwind of change but I was not feeling it in my whole self as I have been lately. I am in touch and aware of myself and those around me more than ever. I feel like I have clarity and affirmation that I am right where I need to be with the people I need to be with. The whirlwind is tame now. Monkey mind is becoming still.
Today I left one of Paul's babies (a guitar) at the UPS store to be packed and shipped off to the stranger that bought it from me. This was a weird. I kinda felt like I was saying goodbye to him all over again. I still have lots of his babies and some will grow old with me. Today feels like the real start of my chapter in this book of life. I can't really explain how that feels but I can tell you that after over 3 years and through much prayer and guidance it feels good to let go.
We hear it all of the time "let it go" and it is a part of the spiritual teachings that I follow but it has only been recently, as in this year, that I have really been able to put it into practice. Ironically the last words Paul said to me were "Keri you have to let me go". He was my everything so being able to do that seemed impossible. There were multiple layers of meaning based on the circumstances in which he said that to me but I now understand that my life with him was a lesson and a catalyst into my life now. As I release him he is releasing me and I am ready. Ready to embrace what lies ahead without looking back except to laugh at memories.
So today I let go and it feels great. Change is in the air and my life is becoming my own in such a beautiful and comforting way.
I encourage you to practice taking off whatever it is that is getting in your way. Give it up and let freedom fill you. You just might be pleasantly surprised.
Today I left one of Paul's babies (a guitar) at the UPS store to be packed and shipped off to the stranger that bought it from me. This was a weird. I kinda felt like I was saying goodbye to him all over again. I still have lots of his babies and some will grow old with me. Today feels like the real start of my chapter in this book of life. I can't really explain how that feels but I can tell you that after over 3 years and through much prayer and guidance it feels good to let go.
We hear it all of the time "let it go" and it is a part of the spiritual teachings that I follow but it has only been recently, as in this year, that I have really been able to put it into practice. Ironically the last words Paul said to me were "Keri you have to let me go". He was my everything so being able to do that seemed impossible. There were multiple layers of meaning based on the circumstances in which he said that to me but I now understand that my life with him was a lesson and a catalyst into my life now. As I release him he is releasing me and I am ready. Ready to embrace what lies ahead without looking back except to laugh at memories.
So today I let go and it feels great. Change is in the air and my life is becoming my own in such a beautiful and comforting way.
I encourage you to practice taking off whatever it is that is getting in your way. Give it up and let freedom fill you. You just might be pleasantly surprised.
Thursday, October 17, 2013
Peace
I am a pretty calm person. Through the hits I have taken in my life and my deep, committed spiritual path I have found my peace and ease. I feel like I have earned this even though they were present in me all of time. I just did not know it. In the last several years I have become aware of these parts of myself and I cherish them. I do not want to go back to stressing out over things, people or situations, feeling overwhelmed and anxious if things don't go as planned or dictated, etc. I took my punches and the lessons they brought and I am happy, content, in my life and in my peace and calm. I am finding lately that these attributes are viewed as liabilities instead of positive achievements. Our society, no our world, has become so jaded that a peaceful, calm, at ease person is too shy and laid back. Ha! There is not a shy bone in my body. I will talk to anybody about anything. I stand up for myself when I have too. I am the most important person in my world (this way of being is also misunderstood). I do not want to put on a show for people to be accepted because, being honest, I don't really care if someone likes me or not. What you see is what you get. I am fiercely loyal and maybe a bit to protective of the people I love and care for. I will go above and beyond for these people and the beliefs that I hold dear.
I am troubled that in these times a person at peace is a kind of freak. I am all for getting your freak on that is one reason I live in the city I live in but since when is inner peace a freak quality? Is it really so far beyond most of our comprehension that we have deemed it unreal? There are people spending unbelievable amounts of money and time searching to achieve this and not realizing that they already possess it. They just have to let go, let be, open up and recognize it. No more playing the victim, no more excuses, no more dependence on external stuff or other people for happiness. It's all you and once realized you find the connection we all share in nature, in spirit and in each other. Dependence is not the same as connection.
So go on git...find your freedom and your peace!
I am troubled that in these times a person at peace is a kind of freak. I am all for getting your freak on that is one reason I live in the city I live in but since when is inner peace a freak quality? Is it really so far beyond most of our comprehension that we have deemed it unreal? There are people spending unbelievable amounts of money and time searching to achieve this and not realizing that they already possess it. They just have to let go, let be, open up and recognize it. No more playing the victim, no more excuses, no more dependence on external stuff or other people for happiness. It's all you and once realized you find the connection we all share in nature, in spirit and in each other. Dependence is not the same as connection.
So go on git...find your freedom and your peace!
Monday, September 2, 2013
Take Care
One of the teachings in Zen Buddhism is that our actions are our only belongings and they are the ground on which we stand. This is a powerful teaching and one that I love because it is like a foundation for many things that I believe in.
In this society we do not take care of ourselves and when we do it is frowned upon as selfish even though we find the image or idea of a worn out mother getting a break from her responsibilities to get a massage or her hair done endearing. It is confusing. Taking care of ourselves means more than the occasional pampering session. It means awareness, openness and forgiving. Awareness of our responsibilities as a person as part of one community of people living on this planet not just your little section because what you do today impacts life tomorrow and beyond. Yet, it is not the job of one person to change the world but rather it is the job of each person to care how they live in the world...AWARENESS. Open to possibilities and opportunities because they present themselves everyday through other people or situations. Keeping an open mind, heart and eyes allows us to be ready to receive and what we receive we can give out. Forgiving, the other F word. It is an art but it is an innate art. It takes practice, some times lots of it. Mostly we need to forgive ourselves because if we do not do this the walls we are creating block our abilities to give and receive in a true way. Forgiving ourselves is difficult because that means acknowledging and owning our actions and those can be unpleasant at times. Well, newsflash, we all have faulty actions in this life, we are humans, we can learn from them. I like to think of them as teachers. With awareness and openness we can take those actions that need to be forgiven and pluck the pearl of wisdom from them that can change us. Forgiving ourselves is probably one of the best "therapies" around. When we do it we can let go and focus that newly freed up energy in more positive directions. If we do not forgive ourselves, truly forgive ourselves, we are keeping walls built that block our abilities to be open and aware. The energy we are drawing is coming from that place of fault which can bring chaos, drama, needy people that are energy vampires and situations that reflect the unforgiven.
I believe that we draw energy towards ourselves and that means that we are attracting what we are putting out into the world. Our actions represent who we are and how we are living now and energy flows from them into the world. In order for our energy to be balanced and whole we must clean it up. This begins and ends with our actions, our awareness, openness and owning up to things while letting them go.
You know some times you walk into a crowd of people and it feels bad or good, well, that is the energy being put out by those people in that situation. Do not ignore it.
We must learn to take care of ourselves first so that we can help and care for others. If you can't take care of you then you can't take care of others, it is a cliche but it is truth. You will wear yourself down trying and sink. So, sit with yourself and have a deep talk, listen, learn and move forward.
In this society we do not take care of ourselves and when we do it is frowned upon as selfish even though we find the image or idea of a worn out mother getting a break from her responsibilities to get a massage or her hair done endearing. It is confusing. Taking care of ourselves means more than the occasional pampering session. It means awareness, openness and forgiving. Awareness of our responsibilities as a person as part of one community of people living on this planet not just your little section because what you do today impacts life tomorrow and beyond. Yet, it is not the job of one person to change the world but rather it is the job of each person to care how they live in the world...AWARENESS. Open to possibilities and opportunities because they present themselves everyday through other people or situations. Keeping an open mind, heart and eyes allows us to be ready to receive and what we receive we can give out. Forgiving, the other F word. It is an art but it is an innate art. It takes practice, some times lots of it. Mostly we need to forgive ourselves because if we do not do this the walls we are creating block our abilities to give and receive in a true way. Forgiving ourselves is difficult because that means acknowledging and owning our actions and those can be unpleasant at times. Well, newsflash, we all have faulty actions in this life, we are humans, we can learn from them. I like to think of them as teachers. With awareness and openness we can take those actions that need to be forgiven and pluck the pearl of wisdom from them that can change us. Forgiving ourselves is probably one of the best "therapies" around. When we do it we can let go and focus that newly freed up energy in more positive directions. If we do not forgive ourselves, truly forgive ourselves, we are keeping walls built that block our abilities to be open and aware. The energy we are drawing is coming from that place of fault which can bring chaos, drama, needy people that are energy vampires and situations that reflect the unforgiven.
I believe that we draw energy towards ourselves and that means that we are attracting what we are putting out into the world. Our actions represent who we are and how we are living now and energy flows from them into the world. In order for our energy to be balanced and whole we must clean it up. This begins and ends with our actions, our awareness, openness and owning up to things while letting them go.
You know some times you walk into a crowd of people and it feels bad or good, well, that is the energy being put out by those people in that situation. Do not ignore it.
We must learn to take care of ourselves first so that we can help and care for others. If you can't take care of you then you can't take care of others, it is a cliche but it is truth. You will wear yourself down trying and sink. So, sit with yourself and have a deep talk, listen, learn and move forward.
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Truth
What is your truth? I mean your truth not your ancestors, parents or friends but yours. I have been taught that the past stays there, it already happened and cannot be changed. There were/are lessons to be taken but only take the lessons not the problems. They are not yours and honor nobody. The future has not happened yet. The moment that matters and propels your truth is this one, the present moment. We need to know it, understand it, make the best of it. We do not need to dwell some place else and contemplate the "what if", "should have" and "because" or excuse it into the future. We need to be present now!
This is a difficult way of being for most of us because it is not how we are taught and in this world there are so many distractions and fears of what might be and what has been that what is gets lost yet it is all that matters. This focus also places responsibility on ourselves and, well, that can be a very hard pill to swallow especially when we are so disconnected from who we are. If someone asked you to tell them about yourself what would you say? Would you give them various titles of the roles you play at work and at home? Ok, those count to some degree but when you sit with yourself...who are you? I wager to bet that most of us cannot answer that question. So how can we know our truth?
Study yourself and the world you live in, teach yourself in every thing that you do. What did you learn while you were washing those dishes, picking food in the garden, typing at work, praying for a friend? When we have a connection to who we are, not what we are, we have a connection to each other and the environment we live in.
I ask you to seek your truth from within and stop looking outside of yourself because it only dwells inside of you. Let it set you free! I join you on this path.
This is a difficult way of being for most of us because it is not how we are taught and in this world there are so many distractions and fears of what might be and what has been that what is gets lost yet it is all that matters. This focus also places responsibility on ourselves and, well, that can be a very hard pill to swallow especially when we are so disconnected from who we are. If someone asked you to tell them about yourself what would you say? Would you give them various titles of the roles you play at work and at home? Ok, those count to some degree but when you sit with yourself...who are you? I wager to bet that most of us cannot answer that question. So how can we know our truth?
Study yourself and the world you live in, teach yourself in every thing that you do. What did you learn while you were washing those dishes, picking food in the garden, typing at work, praying for a friend? When we have a connection to who we are, not what we are, we have a connection to each other and the environment we live in.
I ask you to seek your truth from within and stop looking outside of yourself because it only dwells inside of you. Let it set you free! I join you on this path.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
WIDOW....sigh
Today has been one of those days. A day that I felt like a widow. I can't say that this is a totally horrible feeling now but it is sure not a great one. This title comes with its' own sense of empowerment, courage and strength as well as a deep sense of loss and need for healing and renewal. This is how I wear it anyway. It is an individual experience no doubt.
This awareness in me today was sparked by two things: I had to make a copy of Paul's death certificate which meant I had to hold it and look it. It has been safely tucked away out of sight for quite awhile and that is how I like it. I don't need a reminder of something I live with and will live with everyday I am alive. I also was not feeling well and Paul always took care of me in times like these. Even when he was in the hospital during his last weeks he recognized me not feeling well one day and got out of bed to try and take care of me. So when I don't feel well I miss him 100 times more.
I had errands to run and some appointments to go to this morning and when I got in the car I just sat there a minute and had this overwhelming What the Fuck Happened moment. How did I go from riding on the back of his motorcycle with him to planning the get together for my young widow's support group this month? I took a deep breath, started the car, turned on the radio and Led Zeppelin's Over the Hills and Far Away began to play. Tears streamed down my face because Paul used to play that song for me all of the time on guitar and he would sing it softly. Whenever I hear it I know Paul wants me to hear it and know he is still taking care of me, loving me.
It will be 3 years this July since he passed. It does not get easier in time. It kinda just gets weird because you do get used to the fact that the person is not physically coming back but he/she was such a significant part of your life that it feels like you lost him/her and part of yourself too. The wound and the pain feels to big to mend. All you can do is pick yourself up and keep moving forward no matter what it feels like. It is truly like starting all over again. The starting over is vitally important to the healing and renewal. The trick is to shake off the guilt that accompanies it. If we are happy, enjoying life and doing well we deserve to bask in these moments and know that our loved ones want us to do this. I believe that Paul and my other loved ones that have passed on purposefully present me with these experiences. I am very proud of the life I have now and I do well letting that guilt go but I have my days when the WIDOW creeps in and hangs out. I try to welcome her because she has truth and I do derive a few positive qualities from her but it is a daily choice to shake her off and keep her at bay so the rest of the stuff she brings to the table stays off the table. I can handle a lot but this is one chick that packs a powerful punch. Recovery time is long and slow but I believe it is possible. I am living it. It does not happen by forgetting or sinking into some kind of superficial band aid like drinking, etc. It happens through acknowledging and accepting that this is part of life and yes it is painful but it hurts because we loved and were loved so deeply. This is awesome! Appreciate that pain as symbol, a badge of a beautiful life and know that this pain can breed strength and courage that you never knew existed in yourself.
Like I said I am very proud of my new life, the life that I am building for myself and that makes Paul proud. I make an effort to enjoy every moment. I took a vow when he died that I would make the best of the life I had left. I am doing that and I have amazing, supportive people helping me to achieve this everyday. I also have some amazing, supportive spirits watching me do it and helping me along this path so that my new chapter is a page turner.
Make your life a page turner do not procrastinate because we do not know what tomorrow will bring and like it or not it is out of our control.
This awareness in me today was sparked by two things: I had to make a copy of Paul's death certificate which meant I had to hold it and look it. It has been safely tucked away out of sight for quite awhile and that is how I like it. I don't need a reminder of something I live with and will live with everyday I am alive. I also was not feeling well and Paul always took care of me in times like these. Even when he was in the hospital during his last weeks he recognized me not feeling well one day and got out of bed to try and take care of me. So when I don't feel well I miss him 100 times more.
I had errands to run and some appointments to go to this morning and when I got in the car I just sat there a minute and had this overwhelming What the Fuck Happened moment. How did I go from riding on the back of his motorcycle with him to planning the get together for my young widow's support group this month? I took a deep breath, started the car, turned on the radio and Led Zeppelin's Over the Hills and Far Away began to play. Tears streamed down my face because Paul used to play that song for me all of the time on guitar and he would sing it softly. Whenever I hear it I know Paul wants me to hear it and know he is still taking care of me, loving me.
It will be 3 years this July since he passed. It does not get easier in time. It kinda just gets weird because you do get used to the fact that the person is not physically coming back but he/she was such a significant part of your life that it feels like you lost him/her and part of yourself too. The wound and the pain feels to big to mend. All you can do is pick yourself up and keep moving forward no matter what it feels like. It is truly like starting all over again. The starting over is vitally important to the healing and renewal. The trick is to shake off the guilt that accompanies it. If we are happy, enjoying life and doing well we deserve to bask in these moments and know that our loved ones want us to do this. I believe that Paul and my other loved ones that have passed on purposefully present me with these experiences. I am very proud of the life I have now and I do well letting that guilt go but I have my days when the WIDOW creeps in and hangs out. I try to welcome her because she has truth and I do derive a few positive qualities from her but it is a daily choice to shake her off and keep her at bay so the rest of the stuff she brings to the table stays off the table. I can handle a lot but this is one chick that packs a powerful punch. Recovery time is long and slow but I believe it is possible. I am living it. It does not happen by forgetting or sinking into some kind of superficial band aid like drinking, etc. It happens through acknowledging and accepting that this is part of life and yes it is painful but it hurts because we loved and were loved so deeply. This is awesome! Appreciate that pain as symbol, a badge of a beautiful life and know that this pain can breed strength and courage that you never knew existed in yourself.
Like I said I am very proud of my new life, the life that I am building for myself and that makes Paul proud. I make an effort to enjoy every moment. I took a vow when he died that I would make the best of the life I had left. I am doing that and I have amazing, supportive people helping me to achieve this everyday. I also have some amazing, supportive spirits watching me do it and helping me along this path so that my new chapter is a page turner.
Make your life a page turner do not procrastinate because we do not know what tomorrow will bring and like it or not it is out of our control.
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Tonight I had dinner with a dear friend and we were talking about how some of the happiest times in our lives occurred when we were broke, financially. We agreed that this was so partially because we did not have "stuff" to manage or worry about. I am still strolling down memory lane very happily and felt the need to share some of those times with you.
My late husband Paul moved to Los Angeles with two of his close friends one year with the intention of pursuing his dream as a musician on larger scale than he felt was possible in the Midwest. The three of them shared a two bedroom apartment in West LA close to Venice Beach and Santa Monica. About one year later I moved out there too and we all shared the same apartment for a few months. I quickly found a job and fell in love with the city of Angeles. I never thought that would happen because I had always preferred the Bay area. Paul and I got our own place within a half of a block away from the guys' apartment. I eventually got a job with a magazine publishing company and I adored it. It did not pay much but it was enough to scrape by and I loved it. Paul worked two jobs and tried very diligently to break in somewhere on the music scene. We did not have much money and for a long time the only stuff in our apartment was our bed, a card table, two folding chairs, guitars, a 4x12 speaker cabinet and an amp head. We were happy though because we were doing what we wanted to do, where we wanted to do it with each other. We could not afford to go out to see live music and drink like we did in the Midwest so Paul played for me pretty much daily and we cut back, way back, on our drinking. If we got restless we went to the beaches. Venice Beach offered endless entertainment and any beach in Malibu offers Awesomeness. LA is a big city with lots of places to explore and hidden treasures to seek like Runyon Canyon, Silver Lake and places like El Cid to watch Flamenco dancing or The Dresden to watch in wonder the somewhat bewildering act of Marty and Elaine. I remember meeting up with some of my co-workers one night and their girlfriends and as the boys talked us girls were sharing stories of how when we did actually go to one of the "cool" clubs or bars we felt self conscious because we had old clothes and could not afford to buy anything new just to go out. I joined into this conversation in agreement but also thinking so what...I had always shopped at second hand stores so it was rare that I owned anything "new". It did not stop me from having fun. To this day when I buy something my mom asks if it is new or Keri new?
I won't lie, it was not all fun and games or sunshine and ocean breezes...well, it was always sunny and the scent of the ocean hung pretty heavy (so wonderful). We struggled at times but we always went back to the fact that we had each other and we were following our hearts not a guidebook of what society says is supposed to happen. I carry that philosophy with me to this day. I would rather be broke and happy than financially rich and cookie cutter. That said, I do believe it is possible to be financially stable and happy and still do your own thing and I think that being broke and doing it first makes it all the more feasible.
I encourage you to follow your truth and your heart. Take refuge in them because money and stuff only have the meanings that we give them and are innately worthless. We are not
My late husband Paul moved to Los Angeles with two of his close friends one year with the intention of pursuing his dream as a musician on larger scale than he felt was possible in the Midwest. The three of them shared a two bedroom apartment in West LA close to Venice Beach and Santa Monica. About one year later I moved out there too and we all shared the same apartment for a few months. I quickly found a job and fell in love with the city of Angeles. I never thought that would happen because I had always preferred the Bay area. Paul and I got our own place within a half of a block away from the guys' apartment. I eventually got a job with a magazine publishing company and I adored it. It did not pay much but it was enough to scrape by and I loved it. Paul worked two jobs and tried very diligently to break in somewhere on the music scene. We did not have much money and for a long time the only stuff in our apartment was our bed, a card table, two folding chairs, guitars, a 4x12 speaker cabinet and an amp head. We were happy though because we were doing what we wanted to do, where we wanted to do it with each other. We could not afford to go out to see live music and drink like we did in the Midwest so Paul played for me pretty much daily and we cut back, way back, on our drinking. If we got restless we went to the beaches. Venice Beach offered endless entertainment and any beach in Malibu offers Awesomeness. LA is a big city with lots of places to explore and hidden treasures to seek like Runyon Canyon, Silver Lake and places like El Cid to watch Flamenco dancing or The Dresden to watch in wonder the somewhat bewildering act of Marty and Elaine. I remember meeting up with some of my co-workers one night and their girlfriends and as the boys talked us girls were sharing stories of how when we did actually go to one of the "cool" clubs or bars we felt self conscious because we had old clothes and could not afford to buy anything new just to go out. I joined into this conversation in agreement but also thinking so what...I had always shopped at second hand stores so it was rare that I owned anything "new". It did not stop me from having fun. To this day when I buy something my mom asks if it is new or Keri new?
I won't lie, it was not all fun and games or sunshine and ocean breezes...well, it was always sunny and the scent of the ocean hung pretty heavy (so wonderful). We struggled at times but we always went back to the fact that we had each other and we were following our hearts not a guidebook of what society says is supposed to happen. I carry that philosophy with me to this day. I would rather be broke and happy than financially rich and cookie cutter. That said, I do believe it is possible to be financially stable and happy and still do your own thing and I think that being broke and doing it first makes it all the more feasible.
I encourage you to follow your truth and your heart. Take refuge in them because money and stuff only have the meanings that we give them and are innately worthless. We are not
Monday, March 4, 2013
How's That Working For Ya
Excuses, we have all used them as justifications a time or two. At what point do they become a debilitating crutch for us to not actively participate in our lives? Excuses are based in fear. Fear is a powerful driver and that means the excuses we chose to live by can become overwhelming. When this happens we start to believe in those excuses as truth. The end result is a life lived in fear and confusion of our own making. The "I can't", "It is to difficult", "I do not know how", "What if", attitudes stunt our growth and make life unpleasant. This modern world feeds us these messages. We are told that inequality, struggle, tragedy & chaos are to be expected and we better be ready for them. How exactly are we supposed to prepare for these events? Well, it seems that if we have enough money, the "perfect" family life, the right kind of education and job, plenty of insurance for our things and the hospital and doctors then we should be covered. If you don't have these things, sorry, but you are screwed. Now there is nothing wrong with being prepared but people let me share some personal experience. At 34 years old I suffered a serious illness that seemed to come from nowhere. All of the sudden life as I knew it came to a halt, flipped upside down and changed in ways that I could have never foreseen. While having the medical insurance did come in handy to a limited extent it did not stop the illness or its' lingering side effects. Before my recovery was complete my husband, at 39 years old, was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Our lives flipped again and, honestly, seemed impossible. By all accounts we had every right to live on excuses but we realized that was not living and that sometimes life gets dirty and very real. In those times there really are no excuses. You sink or swim that is all there is. It is your choice ! When my husband died I was ready to sink but I only allowed those feelings to linger for a couple of days. I kept hearing a phrase he used to say when people were making choices that were not benefiting them... "How's that working out for ya?" and my answer was it's not. So I decided not to play the widow card. I felt like and still feel like I had every right to do so and it would have been accepted by people. However, in my heart & mind I could not accept it. I did not want to live by excuses. I am better than that. It has not all been a clear road guided by sunshine and bird songs but I kinda like the rain at times and I posses the gear to make it through any climate. We all do!
Next time life throws a few curve balls your way catch them don't run from them. They will catch up to you eventually. Deal and move forward with life because you are better than any excuse you can come up with. This is your life and your choices. Ask yourself "How's this working for me?" and be an active participant in your life.
Next time life throws a few curve balls your way catch them don't run from them. They will catch up to you eventually. Deal and move forward with life because you are better than any excuse you can come up with. This is your life and your choices. Ask yourself "How's this working for me?" and be an active participant in your life.
Monday, January 28, 2013
What Life Are You Living?
With this new year I have been doing a lot of contemplation on my life. I have been thinking about life events and how they shape us but are they supposed to define us? Each of us has story but can we let it be or do we need it ? This is the thought I want to talk about.
It was not that long ago that I was living a very, very different life from the one I have today. A dear friend had this talk with me two years ago. I was still pretty deep into my grieving process and trying to move forward but resisting it at the same time. I had a vision for myself and this new chapter in my life but, honestly, it scared the crap out of me and I felt guilty leaving my other life. It is ironic, that guilt, because I did not choose to leave that life and never would have. It left me. So I found myself living in a new city, trying new things, dreaming and always looking back. My friend recognized this in me and she gave me this thought that helped to change the way I was thinking and living. She said you have a big story of you and Paul (my late husband) and it is meaningful and important but what about Keri? Can you step outside of that story because you are here? At first those questions cut through me and they caused pain but along with that came insight so deep that I could not ignore it. I was allowing my life to be defined as tragic, beautiful, but sad. I was/ am fully aware of the beauty of that life and a few others knew of it too but to so many I had a tragic and sad story to tell and I must be so strong because how was I carrying on. No, no, no, I did not/ do not want to be that person. I respect and love that chapter in my book but I have a new chapter to write and I respect and love this one too. It is exciting and it is mine! I do not want it to be defined. In fact, I tend to like to escape definitions and expectations. That is an underlying theme in my new chapter. My past influences my everyday but it does not define it. It is not my crutch. The guilt is gone.
I encourage you to step outside your story and let that story be. It isn't going anywhere but you might be ready to, so go on, git!
It was not that long ago that I was living a very, very different life from the one I have today. A dear friend had this talk with me two years ago. I was still pretty deep into my grieving process and trying to move forward but resisting it at the same time. I had a vision for myself and this new chapter in my life but, honestly, it scared the crap out of me and I felt guilty leaving my other life. It is ironic, that guilt, because I did not choose to leave that life and never would have. It left me. So I found myself living in a new city, trying new things, dreaming and always looking back. My friend recognized this in me and she gave me this thought that helped to change the way I was thinking and living. She said you have a big story of you and Paul (my late husband) and it is meaningful and important but what about Keri? Can you step outside of that story because you are here? At first those questions cut through me and they caused pain but along with that came insight so deep that I could not ignore it. I was allowing my life to be defined as tragic, beautiful, but sad. I was/ am fully aware of the beauty of that life and a few others knew of it too but to so many I had a tragic and sad story to tell and I must be so strong because how was I carrying on. No, no, no, I did not/ do not want to be that person. I respect and love that chapter in my book but I have a new chapter to write and I respect and love this one too. It is exciting and it is mine! I do not want it to be defined. In fact, I tend to like to escape definitions and expectations. That is an underlying theme in my new chapter. My past influences my everyday but it does not define it. It is not my crutch. The guilt is gone.
I encourage you to step outside your story and let that story be. It isn't going anywhere but you might be ready to, so go on, git!
Monday, December 24, 2012
The Hap, Happiest time of the year, Really?
This time of the year is difficult for me. It is difficult for many people. It has not always been so for me, in fact, quite the opposite. My husband, Paul, loved Christmas. Those who knew him might not ever guess that but it is true. He liked the family & friend time. His dad & his girlfriend used to come stay with us for the holidays and we would go to Paul's family get togethers on Christmas day. It was always so lovely. I do miss it. I don't think anyone but kids loved the whole Christmas tree thing, picking one out, decorating it, getting a new decoration each year like Paul did. One year we could not afford to buy a tree and that was not ok with him so he found a way to get us one. A local park was over run with invasive junipers and if you cut one down you could take it home for free. So, out he went to get us a tree. He chopped it down and drove it home. Paul was not a tree chopping kind of guy. It came complete with an empty bird's nest and lots of dripping sap which we quickly found out that I was very allergic to. Paul had to do all of the decorating that year. We had our tree. When we lived in our tiny LA apartment and were broke he still bought a Christmas tree. Needless to say I have lots of great Christmas tree ornaments but they have not been hung since he passed. I still can't look at them. I just want Christmas to be over and I want it to stay gone.
This morning my mother found out that her best friend was killed in a car accident last night. This woman was over at my mom's delivering homemade cookies yesterday afternoon when I called. You just never know what is going to happen. Life moves forward and it does not care when it decides to take a turn. It is another reminder that every moment of every day is precious. Live it that way!
A beautiful thing happened to my mom this afternoon though. It is a long back story so I am going to try to sum it up. After my dad passed on in February 2009 there was a cardinal would visit my yard throughout the year. It would appear every time things were not going well and always when I would talk to my dad's spirit. I began to believe that this red bird was my dad visiting me. The morning of the day Paul passed on I was sitting outside crying and I asked him for any sign to let me know it was ok. A red bird appeared to me and started singing and kept singing for a few hours. I believe that was Paul. He owed me a song. He used to play guitar and sing to me almost every day. We had talked about how he owed me a song the day before he died. That same red bird was in my yard nonstop for weeks. I saw red birds all over the city for months. So I looked into it and there is a belief that when a person's spirit transitions and they want to visit someone in this world that they come back as birds. I shared this with my mom and she started seeing red birds in her yard too especially during times that were difficult. So we both believe that our red birds are our husbands or any loved one that is taking care of us from the other side. Today, for the first time in months, she had two red birds at the bird feeder in her yard. I asked my dad, my husband and my sister Sue to be with mom and give her peace. When she called to tell me about the birds she sounded happy and said she knew that she was being taken care of and it would be ok. This is our Christmas miracle and our gift! This is more Christmas than anything I can think of at the moment. It put a smile on my face and hers and that is no small task today.
Christmas is not about material stuff. It is about the gifts we give and receive that have no monetary attachment. We get them every day we just must be open to receiving them especially in the sad times.
This isn't a sappy sweet Christmas story. It is a crazy, messy, real life Christmas story and that is ok. Remember every moment is precious so cherish them and have a happy holidays!
This morning my mother found out that her best friend was killed in a car accident last night. This woman was over at my mom's delivering homemade cookies yesterday afternoon when I called. You just never know what is going to happen. Life moves forward and it does not care when it decides to take a turn. It is another reminder that every moment of every day is precious. Live it that way!
A beautiful thing happened to my mom this afternoon though. It is a long back story so I am going to try to sum it up. After my dad passed on in February 2009 there was a cardinal would visit my yard throughout the year. It would appear every time things were not going well and always when I would talk to my dad's spirit. I began to believe that this red bird was my dad visiting me. The morning of the day Paul passed on I was sitting outside crying and I asked him for any sign to let me know it was ok. A red bird appeared to me and started singing and kept singing for a few hours. I believe that was Paul. He owed me a song. He used to play guitar and sing to me almost every day. We had talked about how he owed me a song the day before he died. That same red bird was in my yard nonstop for weeks. I saw red birds all over the city for months. So I looked into it and there is a belief that when a person's spirit transitions and they want to visit someone in this world that they come back as birds. I shared this with my mom and she started seeing red birds in her yard too especially during times that were difficult. So we both believe that our red birds are our husbands or any loved one that is taking care of us from the other side. Today, for the first time in months, she had two red birds at the bird feeder in her yard. I asked my dad, my husband and my sister Sue to be with mom and give her peace. When she called to tell me about the birds she sounded happy and said she knew that she was being taken care of and it would be ok. This is our Christmas miracle and our gift! This is more Christmas than anything I can think of at the moment. It put a smile on my face and hers and that is no small task today.
Christmas is not about material stuff. It is about the gifts we give and receive that have no monetary attachment. We get them every day we just must be open to receiving them especially in the sad times.
This isn't a sappy sweet Christmas story. It is a crazy, messy, real life Christmas story and that is ok. Remember every moment is precious so cherish them and have a happy holidays!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Respect your food respect yourself
I want to talk about food, surprised I am sure. More to the point I want to talk about reverence for life and how I believe that relates to what & how we eat. This is a big, broad topic that is controversial.
Food and water are our sources in this physical world. Without them our bodies cannot function meaning you and I do not exist. The nutrients that we receive from what we eat keep us healthy and alive. Depending on what we eat and what is in our food it also has the power to take us down. It is a choice everyday, it is our choice. Will we respect our bodies and feed them whole, healthy, real foods or crap being paraded as food?
Because we have lost the importance of food in the modern world we have also lost respect for it.
In doing so we have let go of respect for our bodies. Here in the US we have abundant supplies of what passes for food. There are fast food restaurants on just about every street cornor, grocery and convenience stores too. Those isles are filled with stuff we feed our bodies, some of it is even fortified with micronutrients to make us feel better about eating it. Our ancestors did not have these things and it wasn't that long ago that the grocery store was ours or our neighbor's backyard or field or the depending on our geographic location the nearest lake, river, ocean or woods. The foods we harvested from these places were rich in natural nutrients that helped us live and would be passed onto us as we consumed them bringing the circle of life together. Plant or animal it didn't/doesn't matter. They had life, we took it and used it to sustain our own. And in those times food was respected because our ancestors understood that without it they would get sick and die. Native Americans had/have rituals of respect for the animals they killed thanking them for their sacrifice and the life that they are passing on to humans. WHY don't we all have that practice everyday in our homes and communities? I believe plant foods deserve the same. I believe that we must treat the foods and water sources we consume as the sources that they are because without them we are no more.
A bag of chips, a factory farmed piece of meat and a glass of soda are sources of illness so I am not asking you to thank them although that animal from the factory farm who gives us sick meat was forced there and made to live a desperate, tortured life by the very species that it will make sick . The same type situation goes for the GMO foods and heavily sprayed, etc. crops. Our waters are polluted to the point that we put special filters on our faucets or buy special filtering pitchers just to be able to drink some form of pure water. We have bastardized our sources of life and in so doing lost respect for them and for ourselves.
Eating should be a pleasurable experience that nurtures and nourishes yet many of us find shame, confusion and pain when we sit down to eat. If we sit down to eat. We can change this. Give a damn about yourself and about your food sources. Eat simple, real, whole foods that give life like fresh, local veggies, fruits,meats, fish and dairy. Shop at your FARMER'S MARKETS, co-ops, local stores and if you do not have access to these request that your grocery store begin to carry some of these choices. That might require a bit of research on your part but you are worth it and the gift that you will be providing to your community is priceless. Eat with mindfulness that what you are putting into your mouth should be helping sustain health and wellness and it came from a life of its' own to help you do this. Thank your food. You don't have to do it out loud but try doing it and see how it changes your attitude while eating.
Reverence for life, all life, comes full circle just as disrespect does. The responsibility and choice is ours.
Food and water are our sources in this physical world. Without them our bodies cannot function meaning you and I do not exist. The nutrients that we receive from what we eat keep us healthy and alive. Depending on what we eat and what is in our food it also has the power to take us down. It is a choice everyday, it is our choice. Will we respect our bodies and feed them whole, healthy, real foods or crap being paraded as food?
Because we have lost the importance of food in the modern world we have also lost respect for it.
In doing so we have let go of respect for our bodies. Here in the US we have abundant supplies of what passes for food. There are fast food restaurants on just about every street cornor, grocery and convenience stores too. Those isles are filled with stuff we feed our bodies, some of it is even fortified with micronutrients to make us feel better about eating it. Our ancestors did not have these things and it wasn't that long ago that the grocery store was ours or our neighbor's backyard or field or the depending on our geographic location the nearest lake, river, ocean or woods. The foods we harvested from these places were rich in natural nutrients that helped us live and would be passed onto us as we consumed them bringing the circle of life together. Plant or animal it didn't/doesn't matter. They had life, we took it and used it to sustain our own. And in those times food was respected because our ancestors understood that without it they would get sick and die. Native Americans had/have rituals of respect for the animals they killed thanking them for their sacrifice and the life that they are passing on to humans. WHY don't we all have that practice everyday in our homes and communities? I believe plant foods deserve the same. I believe that we must treat the foods and water sources we consume as the sources that they are because without them we are no more.
A bag of chips, a factory farmed piece of meat and a glass of soda are sources of illness so I am not asking you to thank them although that animal from the factory farm who gives us sick meat was forced there and made to live a desperate, tortured life by the very species that it will make sick . The same type situation goes for the GMO foods and heavily sprayed, etc. crops. Our waters are polluted to the point that we put special filters on our faucets or buy special filtering pitchers just to be able to drink some form of pure water. We have bastardized our sources of life and in so doing lost respect for them and for ourselves.
Eating should be a pleasurable experience that nurtures and nourishes yet many of us find shame, confusion and pain when we sit down to eat. If we sit down to eat. We can change this. Give a damn about yourself and about your food sources. Eat simple, real, whole foods that give life like fresh, local veggies, fruits,meats, fish and dairy. Shop at your FARMER'S MARKETS, co-ops, local stores and if you do not have access to these request that your grocery store begin to carry some of these choices. That might require a bit of research on your part but you are worth it and the gift that you will be providing to your community is priceless. Eat with mindfulness that what you are putting into your mouth should be helping sustain health and wellness and it came from a life of its' own to help you do this. Thank your food. You don't have to do it out loud but try doing it and see how it changes your attitude while eating.
Reverence for life, all life, comes full circle just as disrespect does. The responsibility and choice is ours.
Monday, October 15, 2012
A Child's Joy
Last night I was sooooo inspired and filled with joy! I didn't go listen to a guru speak or see some natural wonder. I spent time with good friends and their little girl. I received the joy that comes from a child's happy spirit. She stole my heart again. I hadn't seen her since she was a baby and now she is running around, talking, dancing, and being adorable. The moment that got me on so many levels was when she was sitting on her dad's knee while he was playing guitar. She wrapped her tiny fingers as much around the neck as she could and held them on the strings while he strummed the guitar. She looked so proud helping her dad play a song. It was the damn cutest thing I think I have ever seen.
What I love about children is that they find joy in the simple things. "They don't know any better" as some might put it. They know better than most adults in my opinion. Life is a wonder. Think about how kids rattle their cribs and find any possible way they can to get out of bed in the morning. Most adults moan and hit snooze because they want to stay in bed in the morning. Imagine what it is like to see things through a child's eyes. Let's give it a go! There is a world out there waiting for us to play and be curious.
What I love about children is that they find joy in the simple things. "They don't know any better" as some might put it. They know better than most adults in my opinion. Life is a wonder. Think about how kids rattle their cribs and find any possible way they can to get out of bed in the morning. Most adults moan and hit snooze because they want to stay in bed in the morning. Imagine what it is like to see things through a child's eyes. Let's give it a go! There is a world out there waiting for us to play and be curious.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Sage advice for illness or loss
Today I am going to quote a piece of prose written by my husband in 2009, in the thick of the cancer journey. It offers sage advice that I want to pass along from someone living with cancer to most anyone who has no idea how to handle a person with this or any serious diagnosis.
What I Need
Be Available.
Don't disappear.
Don't ask me how things are.
Just ask what is going on.
Don't say "If there is anything
you need, let me know."
because if you don't
have a cure, I don't think
you'll be able to deliver.
Paul Hakan
I want to say treat the person as a person not as a disease. They have not changed but thier situation has. They are still your brother, sister, friend, etc. and they still want to laugh, watch silly movies, gossip, play music, enjoy a meal, hang out just like before. A few considerations might have to be made now but just be with them.
On a different note from me...It has been a 27 months since Paul left this physical world and it has been a journey to test every atom that makes me. I have been broken, ripped apart, lost, grief stricken, strong, courageous beyond my own understanding, renewed, grateful, and, yes, happy again.
I want to quote one of my pieces of prose from 2009, in the thick of the cancer journey, that rings so true for my journey since July 2010, when Paul passed, to present. Please share with anyone you know that has lost a spouse.
My Imagination Does Not Sleep
My imagination does not sleep.
I dream of the future, inserting
talked-about plans and new beginnings.
The past does not live in this place.
The sun rises here and only sets
over an ocean of deep blue,
its waves crashing, singing to me.
I can feel it in my soul
and picture it in my mind.
Tomorrow, next week, next year
is beautiful and happy.
I am the change that I want to see in our world.
I have painted us a masterpiece.
Keri Hakan
The past does not live in my new life but it damn sure influences it. New beginnings have been scary, exciting and sparked my imagination for the dreams of my future along with the influence of my past experiences. Those experiences made me who I am. I did paint Paul and I a masterpiece and now it is mine, I own it in his honor. Living my life "as if" everyday like I mean it honors us both.
These pieces of prose are published in an anthology of poetry of prose titled My Tree Called Life Writing & Living Through Serious Illness available through Turning Point in Kansas City. www.turningpointkc.org
What I Need
Be Available.
Don't disappear.
Don't ask me how things are.
Just ask what is going on.
Don't say "If there is anything
you need, let me know."
because if you don't
have a cure, I don't think
you'll be able to deliver.
Paul Hakan
I want to say treat the person as a person not as a disease. They have not changed but thier situation has. They are still your brother, sister, friend, etc. and they still want to laugh, watch silly movies, gossip, play music, enjoy a meal, hang out just like before. A few considerations might have to be made now but just be with them.
On a different note from me...It has been a 27 months since Paul left this physical world and it has been a journey to test every atom that makes me. I have been broken, ripped apart, lost, grief stricken, strong, courageous beyond my own understanding, renewed, grateful, and, yes, happy again.
I want to quote one of my pieces of prose from 2009, in the thick of the cancer journey, that rings so true for my journey since July 2010, when Paul passed, to present. Please share with anyone you know that has lost a spouse.
My Imagination Does Not Sleep
My imagination does not sleep.
I dream of the future, inserting
talked-about plans and new beginnings.
The past does not live in this place.
The sun rises here and only sets
over an ocean of deep blue,
its waves crashing, singing to me.
I can feel it in my soul
and picture it in my mind.
Tomorrow, next week, next year
is beautiful and happy.
I am the change that I want to see in our world.
I have painted us a masterpiece.
Keri Hakan
The past does not live in my new life but it damn sure influences it. New beginnings have been scary, exciting and sparked my imagination for the dreams of my future along with the influence of my past experiences. Those experiences made me who I am. I did paint Paul and I a masterpiece and now it is mine, I own it in his honor. Living my life "as if" everyday like I mean it honors us both.
These pieces of prose are published in an anthology of poetry of prose titled My Tree Called Life Writing & Living Through Serious Illness available through Turning Point in Kansas City. www.turningpointkc.org
Monday, September 24, 2012
Autumn fun food
I have a yummy Autumn recipe. Cinnamon and gingered sweet potatoes with apples and kale.
I played with a recipe from Rebecca Katz and her book The Cancer Fighting Kitchen and ended up with this easy gem. I am really bad at keeping measurements and so I am guessing on them for the purpose of giving you the recipe. Basically, I like to do things to taste if it seems safe and that is what I did with this recipe.
3 cups chopped sweet potatoes
1 chopped apple (a nice, crisp one)
1 tbs. fresh grated ginger
2 tbs. coconut oil
4 dinosaur kale leaves
ground cinnamon and nutmeg to taste
shaved walnuts
1 cup water
maple syrup
sea salt
1/2 cup raisins
Chop the sweet potatoes and apple into small pieces kind of like matchstick size. Use a micro plane to grate the ginger root. I usually do not waste the kale stems but in this dish I feel that just having the leaves is better texture wise. Tear or cut the kale leaves to bite size. Heat the coconut oil and add the ginger until it gets fragrant. This should not take long. Add in the sweet potatoes, saute for a few minutes and add in the apple and kale leaves. Sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg . Stir and add half of the water. Saute for a few minutes then taste to see if the potatoes are getting tender. Add more water as needed. Once they are pretty tender stir in the maple syrup to taste and raisins. Add 2 or so pinches of sea salt. When the potatoes are cooked through remove from heat and use a micro plane to shave 5 to 10 walnuts and sprinkle them on top. That is it. Simple and good! Remember when cooking to taste you start adding in small amounts, you can always add but you can't subtract from a dish.
I played with a recipe from Rebecca Katz and her book The Cancer Fighting Kitchen and ended up with this easy gem. I am really bad at keeping measurements and so I am guessing on them for the purpose of giving you the recipe. Basically, I like to do things to taste if it seems safe and that is what I did with this recipe.
3 cups chopped sweet potatoes
1 chopped apple (a nice, crisp one)
1 tbs. fresh grated ginger
2 tbs. coconut oil
4 dinosaur kale leaves
ground cinnamon and nutmeg to taste
shaved walnuts
1 cup water
maple syrup
sea salt
1/2 cup raisins
Chop the sweet potatoes and apple into small pieces kind of like matchstick size. Use a micro plane to grate the ginger root. I usually do not waste the kale stems but in this dish I feel that just having the leaves is better texture wise. Tear or cut the kale leaves to bite size. Heat the coconut oil and add the ginger until it gets fragrant. This should not take long. Add in the sweet potatoes, saute for a few minutes and add in the apple and kale leaves. Sprinkle with cinnamon and nutmeg . Stir and add half of the water. Saute for a few minutes then taste to see if the potatoes are getting tender. Add more water as needed. Once they are pretty tender stir in the maple syrup to taste and raisins. Add 2 or so pinches of sea salt. When the potatoes are cooked through remove from heat and use a micro plane to shave 5 to 10 walnuts and sprinkle them on top. That is it. Simple and good! Remember when cooking to taste you start adding in small amounts, you can always add but you can't subtract from a dish.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Mind and Heart Are One
There are days that it feels right to just throw in the towel. By this I mean times that feeling overwhelmed, stress, fear, anger, sadness, loneliness, hopelessness, self doubt, etc. seem to be all that is real in our reality. This is ok! Yes, I said it. It is ok as long as we develop the capacity to not be pulled away by our suffering but rather to acknowledge it and take care of it. Pushing it away or ignoring it will not help. It will come back stronger and with a fierce bite. We need to show it, ourselves, some love instead. One way to do this is to trust in our own experience and become intimate with our suffering. The key is to not drown in it. Visit it for a bit and just be with it. You have everything innate to be happy and so you have the capability to resolve and heal your suffering.
It happens to all of us. Even those of us who consistently wear rose colored glasses, identintify with the lyrics "you may say I'm a dreamer" and look for diamonds in the coal. This past Monday I had one of these days and I just went with it. This meant I cried for hours, literally. That felt really good, honestly. I went to my Sangha and felt instant renewal. A fellow Sangha member needed some deep listening and I was able to provide that with a few words of encouragement. During Dharma talk I shared my state and afterwards this person thanked me for giving him peace and ease even through my own pain. That was really powerful. His statement made a profound imprint on me. The following evening I attended a Dharma talk given by 2 nuns and 2 monks from Deer Park Zen Buddhist Monastery in California and it was so amazing. They addressed this very topic from the Zen Buddhist point of view which is what I am sharing in this blog. That talk made me feel so grounded and powerful in my life. One of the biggest points to me in our practice is that we need not seek from outside when everything we need is within us and recognizing that allows us to connect and inter- be with others and everything in our world like nothing else possibly could. So as we help ourselves become a little more transparent we can help others do the same. It starts with us and it ends with us. We need to open our hearts to ourselves and to what others have to offer. In so doing I believe that we can transform our suffering. It sounds simple and in theory it is but in this reality it is not necessarily so because we are not used to being open and real with ourselves or others. This world tells us to put on an act and don't show "weakness", vulnerabilities, happiness but just be "normal". Normal isn't real or fun. Let that "freak" flag fly. I am not telling you to do stuff that will cause harm or trouble but rather to simply be as you are. Try it on for size. If you need to cry for hours, run around the block a few times or as my friend Linda likes to do dance naked around the cherry tree in her yard. DO IT! Linda's type of taking care might get you in some hot water but I admit I tried it in my backyard after my husband died. It felt good. It was also about 10:30pm.
Give yourself, all of yourself, some real attention!
It happens to all of us. Even those of us who consistently wear rose colored glasses, identintify with the lyrics "you may say I'm a dreamer" and look for diamonds in the coal. This past Monday I had one of these days and I just went with it. This meant I cried for hours, literally. That felt really good, honestly. I went to my Sangha and felt instant renewal. A fellow Sangha member needed some deep listening and I was able to provide that with a few words of encouragement. During Dharma talk I shared my state and afterwards this person thanked me for giving him peace and ease even through my own pain. That was really powerful. His statement made a profound imprint on me. The following evening I attended a Dharma talk given by 2 nuns and 2 monks from Deer Park Zen Buddhist Monastery in California and it was so amazing. They addressed this very topic from the Zen Buddhist point of view which is what I am sharing in this blog. That talk made me feel so grounded and powerful in my life. One of the biggest points to me in our practice is that we need not seek from outside when everything we need is within us and recognizing that allows us to connect and inter- be with others and everything in our world like nothing else possibly could. So as we help ourselves become a little more transparent we can help others do the same. It starts with us and it ends with us. We need to open our hearts to ourselves and to what others have to offer. In so doing I believe that we can transform our suffering. It sounds simple and in theory it is but in this reality it is not necessarily so because we are not used to being open and real with ourselves or others. This world tells us to put on an act and don't show "weakness", vulnerabilities, happiness but just be "normal". Normal isn't real or fun. Let that "freak" flag fly. I am not telling you to do stuff that will cause harm or trouble but rather to simply be as you are. Try it on for size. If you need to cry for hours, run around the block a few times or as my friend Linda likes to do dance naked around the cherry tree in her yard. DO IT! Linda's type of taking care might get you in some hot water but I admit I tried it in my backyard after my husband died. It felt good. It was also about 10:30pm.
Give yourself, all of yourself, some real attention!
Tuesday, August 14, 2012
Cold Forbidden Rice Salad
The name is intriguing...Forbidden Rice...it is not as naughty as its' name implies. In fact it is good for you as some "naughty" things can be. That is another topic entirely.
Every Monday evening I have dinner with some of my friends from Sangha before we go to Sangha. It is a potluck so they, often, are the taste testers of my kitchen experiments. I do use recipes but I change them to make them my own. I am usually successful as a result of my new found love of food and working with chefs for hours each week. Last night I took a shot at a cold Forbidden Rice Salad and it was a hit. The basic recipe comes from The Cancer Fighting Kitchen by Rebecca Katz. I use this book all of the time. Forbidden Rice is purple which makes it fun and nutritious. The purple color means it contains phytochemicals and antioxidants. Normally this would be served warm and with a few added ingredients but today you are getting my recipe. Give it a try. It is simple. That is a requirement in my kitchen. I know that Whole Foods carries Forbidden Rice but I have not seen it in many other grocery stores. Also, you need to soak the rice, preferably overnight as you should with most all grains. Forbidden Rice has a soft, creamy texture when ready.
1 cup Forbidden Rice
2 cups water
3-4 small slices of fresh ginger
2 Star Anise pods
1 fresh lime, juiced
2 tbs. Brown Rice Vinegar
Approx. 1 tbs. freshly grated ginger (to your taste really)
4 Brazil nuts, grated
Raisins to your taste
Sea Salt
Bring the water to a boil and add the sliced ginger, star anise, sea salt and rice. Lower the heat, cover and cook for approx. 30 minutes or until rice is tender. Drain, picking out the star anise and ginger.
Juice the lime into a small bowl adding the rice vinegar and grated ginger. Mix and drizzle over the rice. Add raisins and grate the Brazil nuts over the top. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Enjoy!
Rebecca's recipe calls for adding finely chopped cilantro, mint or basil and 2 tbs. of finely chopped red bell pepper. I think that the mint and bell pepper would be fantastic minus the raisins. Also,finely chopped crisp apples with raisins would be lovely too. I have not tried this, yet.
Part of the joy of cooking is playing with flavor combinations and textures. Buy a beautiful cookbook or raw foods prep. book and play, make those recipes your own.
Every Monday evening I have dinner with some of my friends from Sangha before we go to Sangha. It is a potluck so they, often, are the taste testers of my kitchen experiments. I do use recipes but I change them to make them my own. I am usually successful as a result of my new found love of food and working with chefs for hours each week. Last night I took a shot at a cold Forbidden Rice Salad and it was a hit. The basic recipe comes from The Cancer Fighting Kitchen by Rebecca Katz. I use this book all of the time. Forbidden Rice is purple which makes it fun and nutritious. The purple color means it contains phytochemicals and antioxidants. Normally this would be served warm and with a few added ingredients but today you are getting my recipe. Give it a try. It is simple. That is a requirement in my kitchen. I know that Whole Foods carries Forbidden Rice but I have not seen it in many other grocery stores. Also, you need to soak the rice, preferably overnight as you should with most all grains. Forbidden Rice has a soft, creamy texture when ready.
1 cup Forbidden Rice
2 cups water
3-4 small slices of fresh ginger
2 Star Anise pods
1 fresh lime, juiced
2 tbs. Brown Rice Vinegar
Approx. 1 tbs. freshly grated ginger (to your taste really)
4 Brazil nuts, grated
Raisins to your taste
Sea Salt
Bring the water to a boil and add the sliced ginger, star anise, sea salt and rice. Lower the heat, cover and cook for approx. 30 minutes or until rice is tender. Drain, picking out the star anise and ginger.
Juice the lime into a small bowl adding the rice vinegar and grated ginger. Mix and drizzle over the rice. Add raisins and grate the Brazil nuts over the top. Refrigerate until ready to serve. Enjoy!
Rebecca's recipe calls for adding finely chopped cilantro, mint or basil and 2 tbs. of finely chopped red bell pepper. I think that the mint and bell pepper would be fantastic minus the raisins. Also,finely chopped crisp apples with raisins would be lovely too. I have not tried this, yet.
Part of the joy of cooking is playing with flavor combinations and textures. Buy a beautiful cookbook or raw foods prep. book and play, make those recipes your own.
Friday, July 27, 2012
Joy, pass it on
This week I found myself in several thought provoking, inspiring situations. My Sangha (the Zen Buddhist group with whom I practice) is studying the Brahma-vihara or 4 immeasurable truths. This week we focused on Joy. Our facilitator led us in a practice that helped us realize and appreciate joy within ourselves and our ability to experience it for others. We had chocolate and strawberries and our exercise was to take some and as we eat it really appreciate that we are capable of enjoying these things in all capacities and how we feel eating them. We then ate a piece again while thinking of another person (s) that for any number of reasons are not able to experience these things and to do our best to find the joy and appreciation for them. I found this to be such a simple yet powerful practice. I especially appreciated this practice as a nutritionist because food encompasses so many emotions in peoples' lives. Also because respect for our food, in general, has been lost. There is a booth at the big Farmer's Market that I go to whose name is three words: Love, Joy, Food. It strikes me every week when I see it. I love it. That concept speaks volumes.
So, I invite you to realize the joy in simple, everyday things. Appreciate the fact that you have them or are able to do, see, taste, hear..experience them because it is probably not the case with everyone. When you are eating an amazing meal from wholesome, nutritious foods take the time to experience the joy in it. When you are listening to music that speaks to you in some way take a moment to experience the joy that it brings you and pass it on. Appreciation ignites joy and joy ignites happiness. No matter what our situation there is something that makes us smile and gives us butterfly flutters. Be joyful for that and share that joy. Ignite and Inspire others. We are all connected and we should all be joyful. Imagine that world. I do!
So, I invite you to realize the joy in simple, everyday things. Appreciate the fact that you have them or are able to do, see, taste, hear..experience them because it is probably not the case with everyone. When you are eating an amazing meal from wholesome, nutritious foods take the time to experience the joy in it. When you are listening to music that speaks to you in some way take a moment to experience the joy that it brings you and pass it on. Appreciation ignites joy and joy ignites happiness. No matter what our situation there is something that makes us smile and gives us butterfly flutters. Be joyful for that and share that joy. Ignite and Inspire others. We are all connected and we should all be joyful. Imagine that world. I do!
Saturday, July 14, 2012
My Utopia
Every Saturday morning I visit my own Utopia. The farmer's market at PSU in downtown Portland is my idea of perfection! Today it was not overly crowded which was great. The weather is near perfect! The smells of farm fresh lavender, basil and breakfast from the several prepared or made to order food booths fill the air for blocks. Music is everywhere. Some of the music is sponsored by the market and the rest is people coming down with guitars, violins, banjos, etc. and just performing for us all. Food and music are two of my favorite things so putting them together is a little piece of heaven to me. There is an older man that recites poetry and a guy juggling bowling pins for the kids.
Today I spent $26.50 for unsprayed, local, seasonal, tomatoes (3 beefsteak), 1 bunch of very fragrant basil, 2 ears of sweet corn, 1 small head of cauliflower, 1 pint of strawberries, 1 pint of Rainer cherries, a bunch of beautiful purple dahlias, my breakfast and an iced tea. I also watched a chef's demo titled "Meals that Heal" and was reminded that I make that same meal with a few variations and haven't prepared it since last year sometime. It is now on the menu for this week. She was making Spring Rolls with a hazelnut dipping sauce. I have always made the sauce with almond butter but hazelnuts are local to Oregon so I will give them a go this time.
The farmers are always friendly and eager to tell you about their practices in my experience.
In one trip you can find farm fresh & pastured, eggs of several types, milk, cheese (cow & goat), butter, meats of all kinds, fish, grains, veggies, herbs, fruits, mushrooms, flowers and much more. I just want to take everyone I can there. The appreciation for it all can't be understood any other way other than being on the farm. Tomorrow I am visiting a lavender farm as part of Oregon's Lavender Festival this weekend. I can't wait.
I encourage you to go visit your local farmer's markets. It's good for you, the farmers and the environment. Show yourself and your kids if you have them what a carrot pulled from the ground or a fresh egg really looks like. I love seeing eggs that are green or bluish with a few pieces of hay stuck to them or a dusting of organic dirt on my greens. These things make me smile. Everyday we should find something that makes us smile!!!
Today I spent $26.50 for unsprayed, local, seasonal, tomatoes (3 beefsteak), 1 bunch of very fragrant basil, 2 ears of sweet corn, 1 small head of cauliflower, 1 pint of strawberries, 1 pint of Rainer cherries, a bunch of beautiful purple dahlias, my breakfast and an iced tea. I also watched a chef's demo titled "Meals that Heal" and was reminded that I make that same meal with a few variations and haven't prepared it since last year sometime. It is now on the menu for this week. She was making Spring Rolls with a hazelnut dipping sauce. I have always made the sauce with almond butter but hazelnuts are local to Oregon so I will give them a go this time.
The farmers are always friendly and eager to tell you about their practices in my experience.
In one trip you can find farm fresh & pastured, eggs of several types, milk, cheese (cow & goat), butter, meats of all kinds, fish, grains, veggies, herbs, fruits, mushrooms, flowers and much more. I just want to take everyone I can there. The appreciation for it all can't be understood any other way other than being on the farm. Tomorrow I am visiting a lavender farm as part of Oregon's Lavender Festival this weekend. I can't wait.
I encourage you to go visit your local farmer's markets. It's good for you, the farmers and the environment. Show yourself and your kids if you have them what a carrot pulled from the ground or a fresh egg really looks like. I love seeing eggs that are green or bluish with a few pieces of hay stuck to them or a dusting of organic dirt on my greens. These things make me smile. Everyday we should find something that makes us smile!!!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Marinated Tempeh
Tempeh is one of my favorite things to eat. I used to be afraid of the stuff. It looks funny, it smells a little funny and it is fermented????? I did not know what to do with it. Then I got adventerous and started playing with it. I really like Fakin Bacon tempeh from Light Life and no it tastes nothing like bacon but it has a great smokey flavor that is fantastic for Reubens or in place of bacon on a BLT. YUM! I have adapted a blackened tempeh recipe from Ann Gentry's Real Food Daily cookbook that I LOVE! I have taken it to a potluck and made it for lunch with a friend and it is always a hit. I don't always go for the blackened effect and this recipe does not give you that.
Here is my adapted recipe for marinated tempeh.
I do not actually measure things out so these are rounded measurements...to your taste is best!
I like Surata brand Organic Original Soy Tempeh.
Marinade:
1/3 cup unrefined coconut oil
1/3 cup agave nectar
1/4 cup tamari or shoyu
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 tbs. paprika
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
fresh tyme to taste
fresh sage to taste (I like a lot of thyme and sage)
less than 1/2 tsp. ground cumin
Tempeh:
Cut a brick of tempeh into strips. The above marinade mixture is good for about 12ounces of tempeh.
Mix these ingredients in a bowl adding the tempeh pieces. Push the pieces down into the marinade so that they are covered. Cover the bowl and refrigerate over night turning the tempeh pieces a few times. Preheat the oven to 350 and either put the tempeh pieces in a baking dish or on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet and bake for 20 or so minutes. Enjoy! Goes well with salads and soups or in a wrap.
If I want this but have not planned for it I throw it all together (marinade & tempeh pieces) in a baking dish and cook it for 20 minutes turning the tempeh once or twice.
Here is my adapted recipe for marinated tempeh.
I do not actually measure things out so these are rounded measurements...to your taste is best!
I like Surata brand Organic Original Soy Tempeh.
Marinade:
1/3 cup unrefined coconut oil
1/3 cup agave nectar
1/4 cup tamari or shoyu
1/2 tsp. onion powder
1/2 tsp. garlic powder
1 tbs. paprika
1 tsp. cayenne pepper
fresh tyme to taste
fresh sage to taste (I like a lot of thyme and sage)
less than 1/2 tsp. ground cumin
Tempeh:
Cut a brick of tempeh into strips. The above marinade mixture is good for about 12ounces of tempeh.
Mix these ingredients in a bowl adding the tempeh pieces. Push the pieces down into the marinade so that they are covered. Cover the bowl and refrigerate over night turning the tempeh pieces a few times. Preheat the oven to 350 and either put the tempeh pieces in a baking dish or on a parchment paper lined cookie sheet and bake for 20 or so minutes. Enjoy! Goes well with salads and soups or in a wrap.
If I want this but have not planned for it I throw it all together (marinade & tempeh pieces) in a baking dish and cook it for 20 minutes turning the tempeh once or twice.
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