insight

Moments of complete clarity are coming to me today. They are my husband being with me as I chose to be by myself today. I woke feeling good and I wrote some. Then I decided to run some of my normal errands like going to the grocery store. It is what I do. It was odd to shop for only me but it was fine. i then went around the corner to buy a paper and make sure that the obit was there and right. It was and his happy face was so comforting amongst the others. I listened to his latest recording the whole time with happiness and as I was on my way home a moment of complete clarity hit me. His final day was not pleasant. He was confused, having trouble completing a sentence, and just not making sense alot. The toxicity in his blood from organ failure was traveling to his brain causing this. He understood we were going to the ER. In the car just as I pulled out onto the main street we needed to be on he said he needed to hear the voices again. I assumed he meant the radio needed to be turned on because we never got in the car and drove without it. I turned it on and he paid it no attention even turning it down which he used to yell at me for doing. Then he opened the car door 3 times trying to get out as I was driving. In the hospital he was banging on the doors saying he needed out..he had to go...no
So security had to assist in getting him set down & in a bed. he fought the nurses & doctors saying no and let me go....They had to tie him down. He looked me in the eyes and said "Keri let me go..you have to let me go" and then his heart stopped. I have felt so guilty over this but on the way home I realized the voices were God,the angels, and our loved ones who have passed calling him and he opened the car door to try to go to them. In the hospital he wasn't confused he was trying to go to them and he wasn't telling me to untie him he was telling me it was now time for me to let him go. Paul wants me to know this and I am so glad that I do because I know he got to the voices and I now know for sure our loved ones were there waiting for him.
Today I am not feeling sad but good. I feel him with me today. I feel honored by him and for him.
all I can say is don't miss a moment in life. There are moments of clarity everywhere be open to them.

Grieving

Grieving is a complicated process. It is complex with so many layers. My first feelings were complete shock & disbelief...those still exist. I went to pain,fear and emptiness next...also still there. Yesterday I felt physically sick to top it off but was able to take a walk with a forever friend on one of Paul & I's walking routes. I ran an errand with another forever friend and located the cd of his latest recored song. I played and it made me so happy not so sad. Moments of clarity and recognition have come to me. Paul has come to me I believe a few times to help me through. My husband was/is a musician. He played guitar,his main instrament, drums, piano,bass, sax, recorded and wrote music. Beautiful music. His dream was to be a rock star. He achieved this dream for 2 1/2 years. It was not through his music but through his strength, courage and will to live with stage IV, inoperable, metastic, pancreatic cancer. during his journey we meet so many people living with or who had survived cancer or other serious illnesses and I shared openly our story with others like us on a website for others like us. People worldwide know his name and his story and have found inspiration, motivation and courage because of him. Around the world and in our neck of the woods. Paul did not just give these gifts to people who were ill but also to those who are just living life. because he did with such grace and joy and happiness during his cancer journey up to the last day. I believe his life path had cancer in it so that he could fulfill his calling on earth to inspire life. he did it marvalously and I am so proud of him and honored to have been a part of it all. Not many are able to recognize or fulfill thier purpose but my baby did it. In this moment now I am happy and proud. I will forever miss him and ache for him but he will always be a part of me and he is always with me. Cancer died on July 7,2010 my husband didn't. If you want to hear his latest cd you can find it on itunes or CDBaby.com under the name Airline Bungalow. an amazing friend of ours is trying to set up amazing friend of ours is trying to set up a memorial fund in his name for musicians with cancer through her business Basicmissions. That way he can continue fulfilling his purpose.
I married the most amazing man. We loved each other in a way many people never know.
Live your life well in love and happiness.

A day in the life

Today is one of the hardest days so far. My husband woke up super early with anxiety from bad dreams. The dreams & anxiety don't really shock me considering everything he is going through but it has gotten worse as the day progressed and confusion and delirium have set in. It is so frightening when the person you love more than anything is sick with canser and to top it off makes no sense talking to you all of the sudden. This morning he was making sense but come early evening...I have no idea what he is asking me for or talking about. He knows what day it is & who he is & who I am but he can't seem to complete his thoughts. Is it the disease or the meds or the fact he has not eaten today or that he has had too many visitors on too little sleep? I have no idea The most heart wrenching part is he asked me if I think he will be ok, when, and to get the stuff we need to do that. Then he kept apologizing to me. I could not hold it in any more. I had to just start crying. This sucks so much. I just don't get it. The past few days have been good days and now this. Tomorrow should be a good one. We meet with the new oncologist tomorrow. I am praying that the rest he is getting now will help him be more himself tomorrow. Please take your health seriously. It doesn't matter if you are 18 or 80 because this is horrible to have to go through. Prevention people please. Do it for yourself and your loved ones. Please send some powerful prayers this way.

painting those toes

Sometimes the simplest everyday things can make a huge difference. As would be expected I have been feeling pretty overwhelmed lately with my husband's health issues. Overwhelmed is an understatement actually. One day just flows right into the next of pill schedules, what will he eat now, does he need another drink, making appointments, trying to keep people up to date and trying to spend quality time together somewhere in between. That means I hadn't showered in a week, my toenails needed some serious repainting and my hair, ha , frizzy out of control curls. So since he was having a good day todayI decided to take an hour to take a hot shower, wash my hair and paint my toes. The headache I have nursed since last Friday disappeared. While I was painting my toes in the living room next to my husband I felt good...normal. it is important for us all but especially those in the belly of the beast taking care of someone to stop and take that time to care for yourselves too. It makes all the difference and you will feel better. Just because you are taking care of someone you don't have to look like the crazy person on the block that everyone avoids. If you feel good you can help that person feel good. So ladies, moms, wives, sisters, grandmas, whoever you are get out the polish and paint those toes. You know it makes you feel better.

A bright new day

You just never know or do you????? That feeling inside that talks to you should not be ignored. Yesterday turned out to be a really good day. It has been great having a close, amazing family member in town and at our house for the past few days. He has really helped us out alot and made my husband feel good. We have our best friend flying in this week and another family member coming in town over the weekend to look forward too. I spoke to a great friend the other night who is in a similar situation and she made me feel so good and optimistic. There are some people in life that are sent by angels and maybe they don't know it but they become a part of our lives for a reason and if they are family thier role in our lives becomes more than just another realative. I am so grateful for them.
It is truly amazing how making some realizations, acknowledging them out loud and looking positively forward makes a huge difference in everything, health included. Two days ago myhusband was in bad shape. It was not a good day and he had not had any good days for awhile but yesterday turned our well. We left the house twice. He slept without waking in pain and other great things are happening different today. I can't express in words my amazement & joy at this. Miracles...miracles...miracles! Never ever give up and keep the faith & hope alive. We will overcome this and we will provide inspiration and motivation to others to do the same!
I know this to be true. I feel it!

Just another day

Today has been a rough & tough day. watching the person you love most in the world suffer is so extremely painful & wrong. I know it is not God's intention to make me have to watch so helplessly as my husband experiences pain or sick feelings. I also know it is not God's intention that he suffer or be sick. On days like today it is hard to keep positive but it is just these days that make it necessary to keep positive and keep hope alive. I still believe that no matter what the prognosis, no matter how impossible it seems to be that he will overcome. Cancer will be beat and so will all its' buddies that have made themselves at home recently. It is so many emotions rolled ino one. Screaming and pounding away on something seem like great ideas right about now. I am tired, my head is killing me and my neck hurts but in comparisson it is nothing. My husband needs me & wants me by his side and that is the only place I want & need to be. Tomorrow is a new day!

A Caregiver's Thought

Today started off well. My husband seemed to be doing alright. He got up, got dressed, walked downstairs by himself , ate breakfast and was in a good mood. All of the things we usually take for granted. His uncle came over which was great because he is our age so they are like best friends and he lives in another state so it was a special time between them. Paul is very comfortable with him so I left to run some errands. As I was driving to get my husband the slip on shoes he wanted I thought to myself I know I have friends & family who would have done this errand for me as well as gone to the grocery store but... no... I want to do these things. Cancer survivors have to find a new normal after battling for their lives as does anyone with a life threatening illness but ya know what so do those in the middle of that battle and their caregivers (spouses, kids, moms, dads, etc.) and it is so very important that we are able to do it. As I pushed my grocery cart to the car I thought "I don't want anyone else going to the store for me. I want to do it. It is my job. Plus by the time I explain how I shop and what I look for to avoid in things I might as well do it myself. I also want to do our laundry & dishes. I have a routine and I have had it for 3 years now and it is mine. Sure...come mow the lawn that is Paul's job & he can't do it right now and maybe we'll need ya soon for a few hours while I am at work but there are many things cancer can't do and it is important not to let it take control of everyday. That is so extremely hard to do but it is necessary. On my drive to the shoe store & grocery store I was calm and smiling. I felt like all was right. The migraine I have nursed since Friday temporarily left. A caregivers life is crazy, crazy, crazy. We have an advantage because we have each played the patient/caregiver role for each other. When he raises his voice because pain has set in and he needs something he apologizes a few minutes later and I am very aware that it is the pain talking and not Paul. An amazing friend of mine in a similar situation at home told me that a perfect day for her would be spent at home with her husband taking a walk around the backyard, eating together at the dinner table instead of a tray in the bedroom and just doing regular stuff like laundry. I feel ya sister! I want to take one of our long walks in the park by the river so bad but I know I have to wait until things get better. They will get better. I want him to lock up the house at night but I have to do it for now. I want him to drive but he can't right now.
There is a phase of loss that we go threw both patient & caregiver. It seems like silly stuff but it is so not silly. If we need help from family & friends and they offer we should take it because the weight on our shoulders is enormous especially if you are caring for a loved one. But for me anyway...baby steps on my time thank you. I am grateful for the offers to clean my house, go to the store, etc. and in the hospital thank you god for the people that did some of those things but at home we need time and we need some normal. So just be there for us to cry on your shoulder, laugh with, or talk with. That is the "anything we need" right now.