Today has been one of those days. A day that I felt like a widow. I can't say that this is a totally horrible feeling now but it is sure not a great one. This title comes with its' own sense of empowerment, courage and strength as well as a deep sense of loss and need for healing and renewal. This is how I wear it anyway. It is an individual experience no doubt.
This awareness in me today was sparked by two things: I had to make a copy of Paul's death certificate which meant I had to hold it and look it. It has been safely tucked away out of sight for quite awhile and that is how I like it. I don't need a reminder of something I live with and will live with everyday I am alive. I also was not feeling well and Paul always took care of me in times like these. Even when he was in the hospital during his last weeks he recognized me not feeling well one day and got out of bed to try and take care of me. So when I don't feel well I miss him 100 times more.
I had errands to run and some appointments to go to this morning and when I got in the car I just sat there a minute and had this overwhelming What the Fuck Happened moment. How did I go from riding on the back of his motorcycle with him to planning the get together for my young widow's support group this month? I took a deep breath, started the car, turned on the radio and Led Zeppelin's Over the Hills and Far Away began to play. Tears streamed down my face because Paul used to play that song for me all of the time on guitar and he would sing it softly. Whenever I hear it I know Paul wants me to hear it and know he is still taking care of me, loving me.
It will be 3 years this July since he passed. It does not get easier in time. It kinda just gets weird because you do get used to the fact that the person is not physically coming back but he/she was such a significant part of your life that it feels like you lost him/her and part of yourself too. The wound and the pain feels to big to mend. All you can do is pick yourself up and keep moving forward no matter what it feels like. It is truly like starting all over again. The starting over is vitally important to the healing and renewal. The trick is to shake off the guilt that accompanies it. If we are happy, enjoying life and doing well we deserve to bask in these moments and know that our loved ones want us to do this. I believe that Paul and my other loved ones that have passed on purposefully present me with these experiences. I am very proud of the life I have now and I do well letting that guilt go but I have my days when the WIDOW creeps in and hangs out. I try to welcome her because she has truth and I do derive a few positive qualities from her but it is a daily choice to shake her off and keep her at bay so the rest of the stuff she brings to the table stays off the table. I can handle a lot but this is one chick that packs a powerful punch. Recovery time is long and slow but I believe it is possible. I am living it. It does not happen by forgetting or sinking into some kind of superficial band aid like drinking, etc. It happens through acknowledging and accepting that this is part of life and yes it is painful but it hurts because we loved and were loved so deeply. This is awesome! Appreciate that pain as symbol, a badge of a beautiful life and know that this pain can breed strength and courage that you never knew existed in yourself.
Like I said I am very proud of my new life, the life that I am building for myself and that makes Paul proud. I make an effort to enjoy every moment. I took a vow when he died that I would make the best of the life I had left. I am doing that and I have amazing, supportive people helping me to achieve this everyday. I also have some amazing, supportive spirits watching me do it and helping me along this path so that my new chapter is a page turner.
Make your life a page turner do not procrastinate because we do not know what tomorrow will bring and like it or not it is out of our control.
Wednesday, May 8, 2013
Saturday, April 20, 2013
Tonight I had dinner with a dear friend and we were talking about how some of the happiest times in our lives occurred when we were broke, financially. We agreed that this was so partially because we did not have "stuff" to manage or worry about. I am still strolling down memory lane very happily and felt the need to share some of those times with you.
My late husband Paul moved to Los Angeles with two of his close friends one year with the intention of pursuing his dream as a musician on larger scale than he felt was possible in the Midwest. The three of them shared a two bedroom apartment in West LA close to Venice Beach and Santa Monica. About one year later I moved out there too and we all shared the same apartment for a few months. I quickly found a job and fell in love with the city of Angeles. I never thought that would happen because I had always preferred the Bay area. Paul and I got our own place within a half of a block away from the guys' apartment. I eventually got a job with a magazine publishing company and I adored it. It did not pay much but it was enough to scrape by and I loved it. Paul worked two jobs and tried very diligently to break in somewhere on the music scene. We did not have much money and for a long time the only stuff in our apartment was our bed, a card table, two folding chairs, guitars, a 4x12 speaker cabinet and an amp head. We were happy though because we were doing what we wanted to do, where we wanted to do it with each other. We could not afford to go out to see live music and drink like we did in the Midwest so Paul played for me pretty much daily and we cut back, way back, on our drinking. If we got restless we went to the beaches. Venice Beach offered endless entertainment and any beach in Malibu offers Awesomeness. LA is a big city with lots of places to explore and hidden treasures to seek like Runyon Canyon, Silver Lake and places like El Cid to watch Flamenco dancing or The Dresden to watch in wonder the somewhat bewildering act of Marty and Elaine. I remember meeting up with some of my co-workers one night and their girlfriends and as the boys talked us girls were sharing stories of how when we did actually go to one of the "cool" clubs or bars we felt self conscious because we had old clothes and could not afford to buy anything new just to go out. I joined into this conversation in agreement but also thinking so what...I had always shopped at second hand stores so it was rare that I owned anything "new". It did not stop me from having fun. To this day when I buy something my mom asks if it is new or Keri new?
I won't lie, it was not all fun and games or sunshine and ocean breezes...well, it was always sunny and the scent of the ocean hung pretty heavy (so wonderful). We struggled at times but we always went back to the fact that we had each other and we were following our hearts not a guidebook of what society says is supposed to happen. I carry that philosophy with me to this day. I would rather be broke and happy than financially rich and cookie cutter. That said, I do believe it is possible to be financially stable and happy and still do your own thing and I think that being broke and doing it first makes it all the more feasible.
I encourage you to follow your truth and your heart. Take refuge in them because money and stuff only have the meanings that we give them and are innately worthless. We are not
My late husband Paul moved to Los Angeles with two of his close friends one year with the intention of pursuing his dream as a musician on larger scale than he felt was possible in the Midwest. The three of them shared a two bedroom apartment in West LA close to Venice Beach and Santa Monica. About one year later I moved out there too and we all shared the same apartment for a few months. I quickly found a job and fell in love with the city of Angeles. I never thought that would happen because I had always preferred the Bay area. Paul and I got our own place within a half of a block away from the guys' apartment. I eventually got a job with a magazine publishing company and I adored it. It did not pay much but it was enough to scrape by and I loved it. Paul worked two jobs and tried very diligently to break in somewhere on the music scene. We did not have much money and for a long time the only stuff in our apartment was our bed, a card table, two folding chairs, guitars, a 4x12 speaker cabinet and an amp head. We were happy though because we were doing what we wanted to do, where we wanted to do it with each other. We could not afford to go out to see live music and drink like we did in the Midwest so Paul played for me pretty much daily and we cut back, way back, on our drinking. If we got restless we went to the beaches. Venice Beach offered endless entertainment and any beach in Malibu offers Awesomeness. LA is a big city with lots of places to explore and hidden treasures to seek like Runyon Canyon, Silver Lake and places like El Cid to watch Flamenco dancing or The Dresden to watch in wonder the somewhat bewildering act of Marty and Elaine. I remember meeting up with some of my co-workers one night and their girlfriends and as the boys talked us girls were sharing stories of how when we did actually go to one of the "cool" clubs or bars we felt self conscious because we had old clothes and could not afford to buy anything new just to go out. I joined into this conversation in agreement but also thinking so what...I had always shopped at second hand stores so it was rare that I owned anything "new". It did not stop me from having fun. To this day when I buy something my mom asks if it is new or Keri new?
I won't lie, it was not all fun and games or sunshine and ocean breezes...well, it was always sunny and the scent of the ocean hung pretty heavy (so wonderful). We struggled at times but we always went back to the fact that we had each other and we were following our hearts not a guidebook of what society says is supposed to happen. I carry that philosophy with me to this day. I would rather be broke and happy than financially rich and cookie cutter. That said, I do believe it is possible to be financially stable and happy and still do your own thing and I think that being broke and doing it first makes it all the more feasible.
I encourage you to follow your truth and your heart. Take refuge in them because money and stuff only have the meanings that we give them and are innately worthless. We are not
Monday, March 4, 2013
How's That Working For Ya
Excuses, we have all used them as justifications a time or two. At what point do they become a debilitating crutch for us to not actively participate in our lives? Excuses are based in fear. Fear is a powerful driver and that means the excuses we chose to live by can become overwhelming. When this happens we start to believe in those excuses as truth. The end result is a life lived in fear and confusion of our own making. The "I can't", "It is to difficult", "I do not know how", "What if", attitudes stunt our growth and make life unpleasant. This modern world feeds us these messages. We are told that inequality, struggle, tragedy & chaos are to be expected and we better be ready for them. How exactly are we supposed to prepare for these events? Well, it seems that if we have enough money, the "perfect" family life, the right kind of education and job, plenty of insurance for our things and the hospital and doctors then we should be covered. If you don't have these things, sorry, but you are screwed. Now there is nothing wrong with being prepared but people let me share some personal experience. At 34 years old I suffered a serious illness that seemed to come from nowhere. All of the sudden life as I knew it came to a halt, flipped upside down and changed in ways that I could have never foreseen. While having the medical insurance did come in handy to a limited extent it did not stop the illness or its' lingering side effects. Before my recovery was complete my husband, at 39 years old, was diagnosed with stage IV cancer. Our lives flipped again and, honestly, seemed impossible. By all accounts we had every right to live on excuses but we realized that was not living and that sometimes life gets dirty and very real. In those times there really are no excuses. You sink or swim that is all there is. It is your choice ! When my husband died I was ready to sink but I only allowed those feelings to linger for a couple of days. I kept hearing a phrase he used to say when people were making choices that were not benefiting them... "How's that working out for ya?" and my answer was it's not. So I decided not to play the widow card. I felt like and still feel like I had every right to do so and it would have been accepted by people. However, in my heart & mind I could not accept it. I did not want to live by excuses. I am better than that. It has not all been a clear road guided by sunshine and bird songs but I kinda like the rain at times and I posses the gear to make it through any climate. We all do!
Next time life throws a few curve balls your way catch them don't run from them. They will catch up to you eventually. Deal and move forward with life because you are better than any excuse you can come up with. This is your life and your choices. Ask yourself "How's this working for me?" and be an active participant in your life.
Next time life throws a few curve balls your way catch them don't run from them. They will catch up to you eventually. Deal and move forward with life because you are better than any excuse you can come up with. This is your life and your choices. Ask yourself "How's this working for me?" and be an active participant in your life.
Monday, January 28, 2013
What Life Are You Living?
With this new year I have been doing a lot of contemplation on my life. I have been thinking about life events and how they shape us but are they supposed to define us? Each of us has story but can we let it be or do we need it ? This is the thought I want to talk about.
It was not that long ago that I was living a very, very different life from the one I have today. A dear friend had this talk with me two years ago. I was still pretty deep into my grieving process and trying to move forward but resisting it at the same time. I had a vision for myself and this new chapter in my life but, honestly, it scared the crap out of me and I felt guilty leaving my other life. It is ironic, that guilt, because I did not choose to leave that life and never would have. It left me. So I found myself living in a new city, trying new things, dreaming and always looking back. My friend recognized this in me and she gave me this thought that helped to change the way I was thinking and living. She said you have a big story of you and Paul (my late husband) and it is meaningful and important but what about Keri? Can you step outside of that story because you are here? At first those questions cut through me and they caused pain but along with that came insight so deep that I could not ignore it. I was allowing my life to be defined as tragic, beautiful, but sad. I was/ am fully aware of the beauty of that life and a few others knew of it too but to so many I had a tragic and sad story to tell and I must be so strong because how was I carrying on. No, no, no, I did not/ do not want to be that person. I respect and love that chapter in my book but I have a new chapter to write and I respect and love this one too. It is exciting and it is mine! I do not want it to be defined. In fact, I tend to like to escape definitions and expectations. That is an underlying theme in my new chapter. My past influences my everyday but it does not define it. It is not my crutch. The guilt is gone.
I encourage you to step outside your story and let that story be. It isn't going anywhere but you might be ready to, so go on, git!
It was not that long ago that I was living a very, very different life from the one I have today. A dear friend had this talk with me two years ago. I was still pretty deep into my grieving process and trying to move forward but resisting it at the same time. I had a vision for myself and this new chapter in my life but, honestly, it scared the crap out of me and I felt guilty leaving my other life. It is ironic, that guilt, because I did not choose to leave that life and never would have. It left me. So I found myself living in a new city, trying new things, dreaming and always looking back. My friend recognized this in me and she gave me this thought that helped to change the way I was thinking and living. She said you have a big story of you and Paul (my late husband) and it is meaningful and important but what about Keri? Can you step outside of that story because you are here? At first those questions cut through me and they caused pain but along with that came insight so deep that I could not ignore it. I was allowing my life to be defined as tragic, beautiful, but sad. I was/ am fully aware of the beauty of that life and a few others knew of it too but to so many I had a tragic and sad story to tell and I must be so strong because how was I carrying on. No, no, no, I did not/ do not want to be that person. I respect and love that chapter in my book but I have a new chapter to write and I respect and love this one too. It is exciting and it is mine! I do not want it to be defined. In fact, I tend to like to escape definitions and expectations. That is an underlying theme in my new chapter. My past influences my everyday but it does not define it. It is not my crutch. The guilt is gone.
I encourage you to step outside your story and let that story be. It isn't going anywhere but you might be ready to, so go on, git!
Monday, December 24, 2012
The Hap, Happiest time of the year, Really?
This time of the year is difficult for me. It is difficult for many people. It has not always been so for me, in fact, quite the opposite. My husband, Paul, loved Christmas. Those who knew him might not ever guess that but it is true. He liked the family & friend time. His dad & his girlfriend used to come stay with us for the holidays and we would go to Paul's family get togethers on Christmas day. It was always so lovely. I do miss it. I don't think anyone but kids loved the whole Christmas tree thing, picking one out, decorating it, getting a new decoration each year like Paul did. One year we could not afford to buy a tree and that was not ok with him so he found a way to get us one. A local park was over run with invasive junipers and if you cut one down you could take it home for free. So, out he went to get us a tree. He chopped it down and drove it home. Paul was not a tree chopping kind of guy. It came complete with an empty bird's nest and lots of dripping sap which we quickly found out that I was very allergic to. Paul had to do all of the decorating that year. We had our tree. When we lived in our tiny LA apartment and were broke he still bought a Christmas tree. Needless to say I have lots of great Christmas tree ornaments but they have not been hung since he passed. I still can't look at them. I just want Christmas to be over and I want it to stay gone.
This morning my mother found out that her best friend was killed in a car accident last night. This woman was over at my mom's delivering homemade cookies yesterday afternoon when I called. You just never know what is going to happen. Life moves forward and it does not care when it decides to take a turn. It is another reminder that every moment of every day is precious. Live it that way!
A beautiful thing happened to my mom this afternoon though. It is a long back story so I am going to try to sum it up. After my dad passed on in February 2009 there was a cardinal would visit my yard throughout the year. It would appear every time things were not going well and always when I would talk to my dad's spirit. I began to believe that this red bird was my dad visiting me. The morning of the day Paul passed on I was sitting outside crying and I asked him for any sign to let me know it was ok. A red bird appeared to me and started singing and kept singing for a few hours. I believe that was Paul. He owed me a song. He used to play guitar and sing to me almost every day. We had talked about how he owed me a song the day before he died. That same red bird was in my yard nonstop for weeks. I saw red birds all over the city for months. So I looked into it and there is a belief that when a person's spirit transitions and they want to visit someone in this world that they come back as birds. I shared this with my mom and she started seeing red birds in her yard too especially during times that were difficult. So we both believe that our red birds are our husbands or any loved one that is taking care of us from the other side. Today, for the first time in months, she had two red birds at the bird feeder in her yard. I asked my dad, my husband and my sister Sue to be with mom and give her peace. When she called to tell me about the birds she sounded happy and said she knew that she was being taken care of and it would be ok. This is our Christmas miracle and our gift! This is more Christmas than anything I can think of at the moment. It put a smile on my face and hers and that is no small task today.
Christmas is not about material stuff. It is about the gifts we give and receive that have no monetary attachment. We get them every day we just must be open to receiving them especially in the sad times.
This isn't a sappy sweet Christmas story. It is a crazy, messy, real life Christmas story and that is ok. Remember every moment is precious so cherish them and have a happy holidays!
This morning my mother found out that her best friend was killed in a car accident last night. This woman was over at my mom's delivering homemade cookies yesterday afternoon when I called. You just never know what is going to happen. Life moves forward and it does not care when it decides to take a turn. It is another reminder that every moment of every day is precious. Live it that way!
A beautiful thing happened to my mom this afternoon though. It is a long back story so I am going to try to sum it up. After my dad passed on in February 2009 there was a cardinal would visit my yard throughout the year. It would appear every time things were not going well and always when I would talk to my dad's spirit. I began to believe that this red bird was my dad visiting me. The morning of the day Paul passed on I was sitting outside crying and I asked him for any sign to let me know it was ok. A red bird appeared to me and started singing and kept singing for a few hours. I believe that was Paul. He owed me a song. He used to play guitar and sing to me almost every day. We had talked about how he owed me a song the day before he died. That same red bird was in my yard nonstop for weeks. I saw red birds all over the city for months. So I looked into it and there is a belief that when a person's spirit transitions and they want to visit someone in this world that they come back as birds. I shared this with my mom and she started seeing red birds in her yard too especially during times that were difficult. So we both believe that our red birds are our husbands or any loved one that is taking care of us from the other side. Today, for the first time in months, she had two red birds at the bird feeder in her yard. I asked my dad, my husband and my sister Sue to be with mom and give her peace. When she called to tell me about the birds she sounded happy and said she knew that she was being taken care of and it would be ok. This is our Christmas miracle and our gift! This is more Christmas than anything I can think of at the moment. It put a smile on my face and hers and that is no small task today.
Christmas is not about material stuff. It is about the gifts we give and receive that have no monetary attachment. We get them every day we just must be open to receiving them especially in the sad times.
This isn't a sappy sweet Christmas story. It is a crazy, messy, real life Christmas story and that is ok. Remember every moment is precious so cherish them and have a happy holidays!
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Respect your food respect yourself
I want to talk about food, surprised I am sure. More to the point I want to talk about reverence for life and how I believe that relates to what & how we eat. This is a big, broad topic that is controversial.
Food and water are our sources in this physical world. Without them our bodies cannot function meaning you and I do not exist. The nutrients that we receive from what we eat keep us healthy and alive. Depending on what we eat and what is in our food it also has the power to take us down. It is a choice everyday, it is our choice. Will we respect our bodies and feed them whole, healthy, real foods or crap being paraded as food?
Because we have lost the importance of food in the modern world we have also lost respect for it.
In doing so we have let go of respect for our bodies. Here in the US we have abundant supplies of what passes for food. There are fast food restaurants on just about every street cornor, grocery and convenience stores too. Those isles are filled with stuff we feed our bodies, some of it is even fortified with micronutrients to make us feel better about eating it. Our ancestors did not have these things and it wasn't that long ago that the grocery store was ours or our neighbor's backyard or field or the depending on our geographic location the nearest lake, river, ocean or woods. The foods we harvested from these places were rich in natural nutrients that helped us live and would be passed onto us as we consumed them bringing the circle of life together. Plant or animal it didn't/doesn't matter. They had life, we took it and used it to sustain our own. And in those times food was respected because our ancestors understood that without it they would get sick and die. Native Americans had/have rituals of respect for the animals they killed thanking them for their sacrifice and the life that they are passing on to humans. WHY don't we all have that practice everyday in our homes and communities? I believe plant foods deserve the same. I believe that we must treat the foods and water sources we consume as the sources that they are because without them we are no more.
A bag of chips, a factory farmed piece of meat and a glass of soda are sources of illness so I am not asking you to thank them although that animal from the factory farm who gives us sick meat was forced there and made to live a desperate, tortured life by the very species that it will make sick . The same type situation goes for the GMO foods and heavily sprayed, etc. crops. Our waters are polluted to the point that we put special filters on our faucets or buy special filtering pitchers just to be able to drink some form of pure water. We have bastardized our sources of life and in so doing lost respect for them and for ourselves.
Eating should be a pleasurable experience that nurtures and nourishes yet many of us find shame, confusion and pain when we sit down to eat. If we sit down to eat. We can change this. Give a damn about yourself and about your food sources. Eat simple, real, whole foods that give life like fresh, local veggies, fruits,meats, fish and dairy. Shop at your FARMER'S MARKETS, co-ops, local stores and if you do not have access to these request that your grocery store begin to carry some of these choices. That might require a bit of research on your part but you are worth it and the gift that you will be providing to your community is priceless. Eat with mindfulness that what you are putting into your mouth should be helping sustain health and wellness and it came from a life of its' own to help you do this. Thank your food. You don't have to do it out loud but try doing it and see how it changes your attitude while eating.
Reverence for life, all life, comes full circle just as disrespect does. The responsibility and choice is ours.
Food and water are our sources in this physical world. Without them our bodies cannot function meaning you and I do not exist. The nutrients that we receive from what we eat keep us healthy and alive. Depending on what we eat and what is in our food it also has the power to take us down. It is a choice everyday, it is our choice. Will we respect our bodies and feed them whole, healthy, real foods or crap being paraded as food?
Because we have lost the importance of food in the modern world we have also lost respect for it.
In doing so we have let go of respect for our bodies. Here in the US we have abundant supplies of what passes for food. There are fast food restaurants on just about every street cornor, grocery and convenience stores too. Those isles are filled with stuff we feed our bodies, some of it is even fortified with micronutrients to make us feel better about eating it. Our ancestors did not have these things and it wasn't that long ago that the grocery store was ours or our neighbor's backyard or field or the depending on our geographic location the nearest lake, river, ocean or woods. The foods we harvested from these places were rich in natural nutrients that helped us live and would be passed onto us as we consumed them bringing the circle of life together. Plant or animal it didn't/doesn't matter. They had life, we took it and used it to sustain our own. And in those times food was respected because our ancestors understood that without it they would get sick and die. Native Americans had/have rituals of respect for the animals they killed thanking them for their sacrifice and the life that they are passing on to humans. WHY don't we all have that practice everyday in our homes and communities? I believe plant foods deserve the same. I believe that we must treat the foods and water sources we consume as the sources that they are because without them we are no more.
A bag of chips, a factory farmed piece of meat and a glass of soda are sources of illness so I am not asking you to thank them although that animal from the factory farm who gives us sick meat was forced there and made to live a desperate, tortured life by the very species that it will make sick . The same type situation goes for the GMO foods and heavily sprayed, etc. crops. Our waters are polluted to the point that we put special filters on our faucets or buy special filtering pitchers just to be able to drink some form of pure water. We have bastardized our sources of life and in so doing lost respect for them and for ourselves.
Eating should be a pleasurable experience that nurtures and nourishes yet many of us find shame, confusion and pain when we sit down to eat. If we sit down to eat. We can change this. Give a damn about yourself and about your food sources. Eat simple, real, whole foods that give life like fresh, local veggies, fruits,meats, fish and dairy. Shop at your FARMER'S MARKETS, co-ops, local stores and if you do not have access to these request that your grocery store begin to carry some of these choices. That might require a bit of research on your part but you are worth it and the gift that you will be providing to your community is priceless. Eat with mindfulness that what you are putting into your mouth should be helping sustain health and wellness and it came from a life of its' own to help you do this. Thank your food. You don't have to do it out loud but try doing it and see how it changes your attitude while eating.
Reverence for life, all life, comes full circle just as disrespect does. The responsibility and choice is ours.
Monday, October 15, 2012
A Child's Joy
Last night I was sooooo inspired and filled with joy! I didn't go listen to a guru speak or see some natural wonder. I spent time with good friends and their little girl. I received the joy that comes from a child's happy spirit. She stole my heart again. I hadn't seen her since she was a baby and now she is running around, talking, dancing, and being adorable. The moment that got me on so many levels was when she was sitting on her dad's knee while he was playing guitar. She wrapped her tiny fingers as much around the neck as she could and held them on the strings while he strummed the guitar. She looked so proud helping her dad play a song. It was the damn cutest thing I think I have ever seen.
What I love about children is that they find joy in the simple things. "They don't know any better" as some might put it. They know better than most adults in my opinion. Life is a wonder. Think about how kids rattle their cribs and find any possible way they can to get out of bed in the morning. Most adults moan and hit snooze because they want to stay in bed in the morning. Imagine what it is like to see things through a child's eyes. Let's give it a go! There is a world out there waiting for us to play and be curious.
What I love about children is that they find joy in the simple things. "They don't know any better" as some might put it. They know better than most adults in my opinion. Life is a wonder. Think about how kids rattle their cribs and find any possible way they can to get out of bed in the morning. Most adults moan and hit snooze because they want to stay in bed in the morning. Imagine what it is like to see things through a child's eyes. Let's give it a go! There is a world out there waiting for us to play and be curious.
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