grateful

Ohhhhh! Some moments are sooooo hard! Tonight the tears are flowing free and the memories are streaming in. I had a fantastic day today. We had the walking meditation in Parkville and it went well and was beautiful. It started at 11am but I was there at 8:30am on purpose. Paul & I loved walking at this park and of course there is a guitar store across the street. I wanted some time there by myself and Parkville is small enough that, especially on a Sunday, the park would not be crowded. I also had a funny chore to do there. I accomplished the choir which was only about 10 years past due and began walking under overcast skies in rain drizzle. It was supposed to rain and be scorching hot but I prayed for a few nice hours and almost immediately there was a break in the clouds and the sunlight shone down on the river & the park revealing a beautiful blue sky. It made me cry. The crying intensified as I walked..alone along the path I had walked with Paul so many times. I had to go back & sit in my car for awhile. I was talking to him the entire time. I asked him to please be with me today on the walk because I needed him there. I then got an overwhelming need to get out of the car so I did and I went up to the meeting place in the parking lot and heard a familiar bird call. I looked around and saw a male cardinal on the utility pole in front of me. This is significant because that is how Paul comes to me and communicates that he is with me. In our neighborhood there is a cardinal that used to appear and sing to me on days when I wasn't feeling right or something was wrong. I always assumed it was my dad or friend Melecia telling me it was ok. Paul new this about me & the bird. On the day he died I was in my front yard looking up and asked Paul to let me know it was ok. The cardinal flew to my neighbors roof and faced me and began singing. He stopped singing, flew across the street and I went in to tell my friend but felt drawn back outside & as soon as I went out the bird flew back to the roof and began singing again. The next day I went to lunch with a friend at a place Paul & I ate at often and we had a waitress that Paul & I had a lot. She was wearing a short sleeved shirt & on her arm was a huge tattoo of a cardinal. She probably thought I was nuts because I just stared at her arm. Anyway that is the importance of the red bird/cardinal. Today that red bird from the utility pole flew back & forth over head singing until he finally flew to a tree and the female followed him. I stood under the tree and spotted them together on the same branch. That was Paul's way of saying "I am here with you today". During the walk a red bird flew in front of me and on my way back to everyone from my car the pair flew in front of me.
During the walk I felt Paul's hand in mine. I could feel his chi. Some people walking behind me said they noticed my hand looking like I was holding a hand. I was! I also felt like I heard him talking to me saying "I am here with you it is ok" I heard it and felt him close to me saying it.
People came that new him in college that I had never met. Some drove long distances to be there. That was special. Today was just an awesome day so why when I came home did I start crying again and missing him? I long to see his beautiful face and just touch him again. Knowing I can't is just like torture. People deal with this everyday,everywhere. It is crazy. It is part of life. If you want happiness and true love with someone, well, this is part of that...for one of you anyway. It is so worth it! I might not have any moisture left in my body tomorrow from all my crying today & tonight but I got to love & be loved so amazingly for 18 years. And all the joy that comes with that. I am grateful so so grateful.