the grief monster

Last night was a great night with great friends and teachers. I needed it. My week has been basically good until work yesterday. Something summoned the grief monster and I was remembering Paul's last few hours and I read an article in a travel magazine and thought about all of the places we talked about or I thought about us going to that we never did. I spent some time crying in the bathroom. Thinking about other couples getting to do those things is like a knife through my heart. How can I ever go back to Zuma Beach in Malibu? We were there last July and we love that beach. What about Venice Beach boardwalk?? Impossible to go back it seems. We spent many weekend days there and we were there last July. Southern California is so near and dear to my heart but it also is such a huge reminder of a life that does not exist any more. That really sucks. It is hard to realize this. My memories there are amazing with Paul and my own. I want to go back to the Tao Healing Center in Santa Monica and get a massage from the older Asian lady Paul used to rave about. I want to go back to Topanga Canyon which is one of my favorite parts of LA. Paul and I hiked there last July and in 2008 we went there to a favorite restaurant and he got to order dessert because it had no sugar in it. We took pictures of him eating it. The restaurant is beautiful. The seating is all outdoor on decks. We took my parents there when they would visit us in LA. Anyway, it is not fair in so many ways. So unfair!