Monday, November 8, 2010


I have learned a lot of lessons recently and gained a few true insights. Last week started off with me feeling physically and emotionally terrible. I was in a lot of pain and felt very alone and sad. The old fears stemming from my past illness resurfaced with a vengeance and they manifested into physical symptoms and tension. Paul and my therapist are the two people who got me through those fears the first time. My therapist is still around but my husband, my rock, my caretaker is not. I am not sure what exactly triggered all of this but it lasted for 3 full days despite my efforts. One day I was awake for just 4 hours. That just is not like me. I justified the sleep-a-thon with the fact that in the past almost 4 years my resting has not been on my priority list. I was so tense it was causing all kinds of physical pain. I went to our massage therapist and she did a great job but it was temporary. The next night I attended a "spa" night and received another helpful massage and some energy work. These things helped but again it was temporary. The lessons came when my normal massage therapist asked me to talk to my body and listen to what it had to tell me. That was a great experience. The gist of our conversation was that it was now time to make myself my priority. I walked away from the other two sessions with the same message. All of these practitioners gave me some tools to work with in order to accomplish this goal. A dear friend was comforting me and I was crying to her and she stopped rubbing my shoulders and lovingly said"this does not sound like Paul's wife". She was right. I kept that thought with me. I also had a good talk with God while taking an aromatherapy bath. It felt good to get those things off my chest, out of my head and heart. I woke up feeling good and happy the next day. Things have continued this way ever since. One of the difficult things on my mind was I was not feeling Paul with me like I had been. I told this to my best friend and she offered that she thought he was finally settling into his new role and stepping back a bit so that I would realize that I am strong on my own. That sounds just like him. The following day I was cleaning under the bed which was rare and found a book that I had no idea we owned. It was Dr. Wayne Dyer's The Power of Intention. My husband and I love Dr. Dyer. Paul bought just about everything by him and he lived his teachings. We both believe in the Power of Intention. It was no coincidence that I found this book while going through a bad time without Paul or so I thought and doing a choir I rarely do. That was my husband reminding me that I have this covered. Amazing things have happened since. I went out to a local benefit whose cause is dear to me and had fun, found out that one of my dreams since college for my writing is going to happen, unexpectedly but happily seemed to take part in mending a very negative and broken family fence and gained a fabulous new insight into the awesomeness of my husband. I was taking a walk,enjoying a beautiful Fall day,yesterday, when it came to me that in order for Paul to maintain the freedom in his heart, mind, body and soul he was strong, wise and courageous enough to realize that he had to let go of his physical body and cancer; returning to the Source and all of the opportunities that the universe held for him. He did not give up; he chose to live. He worked so hard the past few years at letting go of the past and hurtful things in his life and that was so amazing to be apart of and get to witness. In gaining this freedom he gifted me with freedom. It is kind of hard to say this but I feel it...I am grateful for this gift. We gave each other so many gifts. Our love for each other is a freedom and something that can never die. It is like a river that continuously flows and nourishes making life possible. How can I be sad about that. I have been blessed by it.
There is always a positive in a negative and no matter what you believe or how you live it is always possible to lose sight of this fact. It is what we make of it. In the summer when it is scorching hot aren't we glad it is not winter with freezing temperatures? Such is life!