Today has been one of those days. A day that I felt like a widow. I can't say that this is a totally horrible feeling now but it is sure not a great one. This title comes with its' own sense of empowerment, courage and strength as well as a deep sense of loss and need for healing and renewal. This is how I wear it anyway. It is an individual experience no doubt.
This awareness in me today was sparked by two things: I had to make a copy of Paul's death certificate which meant I had to hold it and look it. It has been safely tucked away out of sight for quite awhile and that is how I like it. I don't need a reminder of something I live with and will live with everyday I am alive. I also was not feeling well and Paul always took care of me in times like these. Even when he was in the hospital during his last weeks he recognized me not feeling well one day and got out of bed to try and take care of me. So when I don't feel well I miss him 100 times more.
I had errands to run and some appointments to go to this morning and when I got in the car I just sat there a minute and had this overwhelming What the Fuck Happened moment. How did I go from riding on the back of his motorcycle with him to planning the get together for my young widow's support group this month? I took a deep breath, started the car, turned on the radio and Led Zeppelin's Over the Hills and Far Away began to play. Tears streamed down my face because Paul used to play that song for me all of the time on guitar and he would sing it softly. Whenever I hear it I know Paul wants me to hear it and know he is still taking care of me, loving me.
It will be 3 years this July since he passed. It does not get easier in time. It kinda just gets weird because you do get used to the fact that the person is not physically coming back but he/she was such a significant part of your life that it feels like you lost him/her and part of yourself too. The wound and the pain feels to big to mend. All you can do is pick yourself up and keep moving forward no matter what it feels like. It is truly like starting all over again. The starting over is vitally important to the healing and renewal. The trick is to shake off the guilt that accompanies it. If we are happy, enjoying life and doing well we deserve to bask in these moments and know that our loved ones want us to do this. I believe that Paul and my other loved ones that have passed on purposefully present me with these experiences. I am very proud of the life I have now and I do well letting that guilt go but I have my days when the WIDOW creeps in and hangs out. I try to welcome her because she has truth and I do derive a few positive qualities from her but it is a daily choice to shake her off and keep her at bay so the rest of the stuff she brings to the table stays off the table. I can handle a lot but this is one chick that packs a powerful punch. Recovery time is long and slow but I believe it is possible. I am living it. It does not happen by forgetting or sinking into some kind of superficial band aid like drinking, etc. It happens through acknowledging and accepting that this is part of life and yes it is painful but it hurts because we loved and were loved so deeply. This is awesome! Appreciate that pain as symbol, a badge of a beautiful life and know that this pain can breed strength and courage that you never knew existed in yourself.
Like I said I am very proud of my new life, the life that I am building for myself and that makes Paul proud. I make an effort to enjoy every moment. I took a vow when he died that I would make the best of the life I had left. I am doing that and I have amazing, supportive people helping me to achieve this everyday. I also have some amazing, supportive spirits watching me do it and helping me along this path so that my new chapter is a page turner.
Make your life a page turner do not procrastinate because we do not know what tomorrow will bring and like it or not it is out of our control.