I have had some great revelations this morning after a mostly sleepless night. As July 7th nears my feelings towards this 1 year anniversary have gone in hundreds, if not more, directions. At this moment I am sitting in a good place and hope to carry that through the week. Last night I was looking through my Jin Shin Jyutsu (a Japanese energy healing practice) stuff and was dumbfounded by the fact that I stopped practicing since there are flows for just about everything I have been and am currently dealing with emotionally and physically. I used to do it everyday sometimes with Paul and sometimes on my own. I even wanted to become a practitioner but when Paul got sick last spring I stopped doing it because there was no time and he needed all my attention. So last night and this morning I started it up again and I feel great. As I was doing it this morning I was flooded with some insight that I plan to carry with me forever but especially through this week. I understand now that I am extremely fortunate because I was given the opportunity to see Paul off into the next world and it was a beautiful, peaceful thing. The circumstances surrounding it were hard but the end result was beautiful. He fulfilled his purposes and it was time for him to move on. Cancer was the catalyst for this move. It helped him find himself holistically. He handled it all with such grace and peace. I think at some point he knew. I know, looking back now, that he had made peace with it. I had not and that is why the last thing he said to me in the hospital was "Keri, you have to let me go". He was was looking me in the eyes and was very calm when he said those words and then went into cardiac arrest. He had been anything but calm just seconds before. Right now when I remember those final moments I spent with him I remember the complete calmness that was in the room and the beautiful sunset that was rising in back of us through the windows. Paul was at peace. I remember seeing it then in him and he came to me a few days later to assure me of that. It really was a beautiful moment albeit for me and our family a painful one but it was his rebirthday and I was there for it. I got to be a part of it. What a gift that is to me. I also got to be apart of it for my dad, one of my sisters and a friend. I feel pretty blessed by this and by this insight.
Some of us get sick with life threatening diseases and survive them or "cheat death" because our catalysts have come prematurely and we still have work to do to fulfill our purposes on earth. So July 7th is a painful date for me but it is actually a day to celebrate because it is Paul's rebirthday! So this July 7th celebrate my husband. Listen to some loud, guitar driven music, strum a guitar, beat a drum, have a Heineken, take a looong walk, jump on a skateboard, a bicycle or a motorcycle and just ride. Live life fully that day as he did everyday!