Tuesday, June 14, 2011
This past week and weekend I have experienced a whole range of emotions, some expected and some very unexpected. What or I should say who, has grounded me are the amazing people that are part of my life now. Some of them have been around since the day I was born, others for many years and others a matter of months yet the common thread they share for me is that they rekindle my spirit and I want and need them to be part of my everyday. The closer we get to the 1 year mark of Paul's passing the stronger my love gets for these friends and family members. My husband was my world and my best friend. When he passed I felt very alone and torn to pieces. That feeling is finally disappearing and it is because of the compassion and love I recognize that is being given to me. I know Paul is working some puppet strings to ensure that I am happy and that the people in my life are true. The relationships that have not really lasted served their purposes and for them I am thankful. It is a part of life that some people rotate in and out and that is ok. I feel supported and enlivened again. I can have fun now and be serious when I need to be. I feel stronger and even though the last few weeks have brought about a new anxiety about what it means to move forward for me, I feel like I can do it. I am doing it and I have been. Right now life seems open to all possibilities and I am waiting with open arms for them. I feel Paul's presence even stronger now because I am open to moving forward with my life as he wants me to do and as he would have done had roles been reversed. I miss him severely everyday but then I think of how brilliant our life was together and how that will/is influencing my life now and I have to smile, thank him and be happy. In a way I am ready to slow down and settle. I mean this in a very Zen way. I have been shaking things up for myself for a year now in order to deal with Paul's death. I think I finally am accepting it, I still hate that it happened and want him back more than anything in the world. I still cry myself to sleep most nights and that is ok because truth be told time does not make it better. It makes you realize that god dammit, it has been 1 year since the love of my life was taken away from me, how do I keep going. But I do keep going...it really is not a choice. It just is what it is...the circle of life. Thank god we traveled it together like we did for the time we had.