Today my Grace Cards say I should be still so as to gain a heightened sensitivity to beauty, deep inner peace and a profound connectedness to all living things. It just so happens that tonight is Sangha night so I will be in meditation for about an hour but normally me being silent in voice is impossible. I love to talk and not to hear myself but to share myself. I also love to listen to others share their stories. I recently reconnected with a woman I was friends with during my freshman year of college. She told me the most amazing story about one of her children. We were catching up and a lot of times I am not sure how much to tell people about my life since the last time we saw each other because a lot of living has happened on my part that makes most people uncomfortable. They do not know what to say. The thing is that it is ok because I have no expectations from anyone and do not want any one's pity. I see beauty, miracles and joy along with pain, sorrow and grief in my life. So, when I read her story I was a bit taken aback because she has a whopper of her own and even though we are typing these things out to each other I feel like I can read the emotions present through her words. I did not know what to say in response to her and I knew that it was ok. But what I settled on was that as 20 year olds we had the world open to us and we were dreamers, I definitely was, and who would have thought we would end up on the paths we were on and had taken. Some might see them as tragic and sad but we found joy, beauty, gratefulness and lessons not attainable in a classroom. Sometimes I need reminded of this because it is so damn easy to get stuck. Last night I started crying while I was studying because I am now in a physiology portion of my nutrition program that is full of chemistry, biology and anatomy. I never took chemistry and my last biology class was junior year of high school. I can discuss Shakespeare not the periodic table or cellular makeup of our tissues. So I broke down with the thoughts of what the hell have I signed up for, why do I think I can do this now? I begged God to give me my husband back. He was my biggest supporter and he believed I could do anything. He was also extremely intelligent in these particular areas of knowledge. I knew my pleas would go unanswered but I made them anyway. It is pretty crazy what realms of reality the heart will allow you to explore especially when it is broken.
Today I woke thinking ok girl this is a new day and you are going to get through that chapter and all will be well. I have yet to tackle the homework. I ran errands and decided to write this instead. Every song on the radio in the car made me cry this morning. I remembered I am supposed to be still so I turned it off took a deep breath and am trying to suck it up to crack open that book and go to dinner with friends and then Sangha. No more tears or self doubt today. Paul doesn't want that and neither do I.