This week the Dharma talk we had at Sangha (the Buddhist community gathering one practices with) basically taught that we do not need to look to attain beauty, enlightenment, happiness, etc. because we already have these things. We need to see them within ourselves and stop looking outward for what already exists inward. I have heard these teachings before but this week they really spoke to me which tells me that I need to practice with them. Since Paul died life has seemed like a tornado of sorts. I have welcomed it many, many times as the distractions I need/needed to survive this physical world without him by my side. I am moving forward and most days feel great and can honestly say that I am happy..most days but not all days. The moments come and they hit hard.
I had one on my walk this morning. Something triggered my memory into a bunch of things revolving around his last few months of life as we know it. I was going over details and beating myself up for not recognizing certain physical things that seem so obvious if I look at a photo from that time. How did I not see what was happening? What was it that allowed us to continue to laugh, take that trip to the cabin, argue about directions and my driving abilities in the car on the way there, take our daily walks, and enjoy life while his body was shutting down? I never lost my positivity that he was going to beat the cancer, we were going to beat it. I realize now that in so many ways we already had beat it. Our lives together those last few years were AMAZING! We were happy despite what was possible because there were two possible outcomes and we were so intently focused on the positive one. I can say this now, although it is difficult and there are tears streaming as I type, the outcome we got was/is a positive one. Paul went through all kinds of HELL with cancer. I did too as his wife who just wanted to fix him and take it all away. He also WOKE UP to his life and lived it like many songs and poems say, there was no tomorrow. I feel like we both did. We were partners. I am doing my best to live the same way but my partner is not here and that makes it hard. I know I have what it takes to do it. I don't know why I know it but as Paul would say "don't question the how". So, I don't. Well, I try not too anyway.
Because of my beliefs I can see the positive in his death most days but not all days, yet. His energy is free and that is a BEAUTIFUL thing. I was told by an energy healer that I see that he doesn't need me any more. That was difficult to hear but I needed to hear it. She also pointed out that I need me. Yes, I recognize that I do and I recognize what a gift that is to be fully present for myself. The Buddha teaches that we already have everything we need. I just need to sit with that as does everyone. We need to see it in ourselves and be the channel for that wisdom.
So on my walk today I felt the need to take a different route and as I walked and the memmories and tears and questioning were getting overwhelming I turned a cornor and written on the sidewalk in green chalk it said "don't forget to be awesome today". That made me smile and I thanked Paul and the universe for my walk. It was my Dharma teaching for today