Tomorrow is Easter and to me that represents a sense of newness and starting over. Today, a dear friend whom is experiencing some life altering things asked me how I was feeling. It touched me deeply that she would ask but it did not surprise me. She and I are pretty connected.
It was interesting because today I experienced many things. I woke up to a bright blue, cloudless sky in Oregon. I had my Saturday breakfast at the farmer's market, one of my favorite things. I took a long walk and I listened to the last music cd my husband Paul bought for me. Then I took a deep breath and cried. It has been almost two years since he passed and my life got turned upside down and inside out. I am dealing with my new life the best why I can. I feel pretty happy and positive with everything right now. Honestly, most days I have no idea what I am doing. I find that this is ok because if I allow myself to trust in the fact that I am not in control and do not have to be because something/someone else is guiding me it all works out. Paul used to say "don't question the how" when I doubted something or did not understand how we could achieve something. I am living my life following his words and it is working. It is so hard to believe he has been physically gone for this long and that I haven't seen him in almost two years but everyday that becomes more and more real. My widow support group says the second year is the toughest because their being gone is reality as is the fact that we are moving forward in life without them. I feel this so deeply. Sometimes it is a stronger feeling than others. An example is that today I was reading my Nutrition sciences book for homework. As my head was about to explode with science I closed the book and thought how ironic it was that I, the one with a BA in English, was living in Portland now and studying to be a Holistic Nutritionist. The irony is that Paul was amazing with the sciences and math. He was a creative musician but he had a gift for the sciences. We both wanted to move here and make Portland our home and I have made mine, just me. I thought about that and said to myself it is about me now, this is what I am supposed to be doing and I am doing it. I am not to sure how but I am not questioning it. We survived my brain illness, we dealt with cancer amazingly and I am doing my best to deal with Paul's death and my new life. I am not questioning the how and I am trying hard to enjoy and make the most of the time I have left. I will celebrate new beginnings tomorrow. There might be a few tears shed but there will also be a smile on my face.
We all get lemons in life and it is up to us to make them into lemonade. My Buddhist practice teaches that we already have everything we need so own those lemons, let go of the idea of being in control, trust or have faith and make your lemonade. Happy Easter!!