Today is a beautiful Southern California kinda day (weatherwise) in Kansas City. It makes me happy and has given me a sense of peace. The past few days have been hard because my husband has been sick and in the hospital with all kinds of complications from canser. (I purposely spell canser wrong to take away some of its' power...thanks Kris Carr for that idea) It has been a long, very heart wrenching 5 days. I have been scared like never ever before, nervous, anxious, my confidence has wavered back and forth but today just out of the blue I feel good about things. Even as he lies in bed knocked out on pain meds. I brought him home yesterday and was so afraid of what it was going to be like out of the hospital. You should know I have been the patient with several serious things going wrong in my body and one big life threatening problem that kept me hospitalized for 1 month. I remember coming home from the hospital and being scared to be home but so happy to be home. Everything about the last 5 days brought back memories of my illness which did not help the situation or my belief in my abilities to handle all of this. Today as I was waiting for prescriptions to be filled in the hospital pharmacy I was watching everyone coming & going and I thought well shit this is a lot of sick people but who's to say that they will be sick tomorrow. Miracles happen everyday. I know. I got one. I am alive and my husband has been beating the stats of stage IV inoperable adenocarcinoma of the pancreas with mets for 2 1/2 years. Losing faith seems silly but what is so important in dealing with illness of any kind is to recognize the mind,body,spirit connection. The whole person. When Paul was first diagnosed he threw himself into healing his emotional life. I was shocked and inspired by the changes he was making and the benefits to our relationship and quality of life. I had to do some exploring for myself and I made many life changing realizations of my own about how my thoughts & feelings both the hidden & the expressed were effecting my life and health. It was a huge Aha! moment. It is easy to be taken off the path to emotional wellness which equals physical wellness by the world around us, the negative news, the stresses we place on ourselves & each other including expectations of how it "should be". So many things,people can get in the middle of our path but in the end it is our path...our choices. I was telling my husband that I recognize that a few months ago when pain became a part of his life and pain meds were increased moodiness, irritability and a loss of the knowledge that we had embraced and were living by fell to the side. Now it is understandable that this happened because living in constant pain is not living but that is when the negative patterns started up again and it was shocking to us both. He realized it was happening but as his condition worsened it became harder to release those patterns. I do believe that there is a connection to what we are experiencing now and that emotional breakdown.
Canser forced several changes in our lives. These changes have been positive. We know real happiness, true deep love, and awe at the world around us with so many possibilities and experiences to be had. I think we needed a kick in the pants again and unfortunately it was his pants that got the kick but we never would have found the new and so far amazing team of doctors that he now has. I think they will help us on this journey to wellness and we will help them too. Docs don't often get to see miracle people but they have hit the jackpot with us as we have with them I think. The past weeks, months have sucked but this time next month who knows...the sky is the limit! Last year in July we were hiking in Topanga Canyon in California and playing on the beach in Malibu like we used to when we lived in LA. We have lots more playtime in store. I feel good about that. If I need or want to cry I will do it. You should too! When I am pissed that this is happening than I am..no hiding it. Anger causes illness if you let it fester inside. Express yourself....not in a violent or harmful way but get it out and think hard about that saying" getting it off your chest". When you suppress anger or anxiety don't you usually feel it in your chest....your body is trying to tell you something...release it. You would not hold your hand in a fire and continue to get burned. Love yourself and part of that is being the person that you really are and feeling your very real feelings. Acknowledge yourself to love and nurture yourself.
Have a positive day!