Thursday, December 30, 2010

Happy New Year

As 2010 draws to a close my heart and mind are kinda confused. In retrospect 2010 was the most difficult life changing year of my life thus far and I suspect it will always wear that title. This is saying a lot since 2007 was pretty tough what with me almost checking out due to a freak illness, having to relearn how to walk again, speak clearly and well, all kinds of other craziness. 2007 comes in a very close second to winning that title but 2010 has it beat by several lengths. It is the triple crown winner. In 2010 I watched my 41 year old husband dying and had to make the decision to let him go naturally or keep him on life support. I let life happen as it was meant to be and chose not to have life support. We had discussed this in case it ever came up. I never thought it would but thank god we had that talk. A piece of me was ripped away that morning without warning. I have spent the last 6 months tending that gaping wound. So, I am ready for a clean slate but putting 2010 behind me seems almost sacrilege. My slate is cleaner than I want it to be in that I am now a widow. I wear my wedding rings, his too, I had them made into one ring but I go to sleep alone every night and wake up with only my cats next to me in the morning. I have moved and am looking forward to a new career, new friends, new opportunities but how do I leave the me behind that was an extremely happily married woman...maybe I don't. She is a part of who I am and who I will always be. It is not always about leaving behind but instead about letting go. I am not leaving my husband in the past. That is not possible. He is a part of my present in that he is a part of me. Paul helped shape my life and he continues to do so. I let go of the pain, sadness, sleepless nights and suffering and open to the joy, feeling good, restful nights and divine love and guidance of the man I chose to spend my life with.
The next few days I will be giving myself this pep talk numerous times. It is time for the new year!

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