This morning I have been running through random memories. The one I keep coming back to is the feelings of excitement, wonder, and happiness while living in Southern California with Paul.
I would wake up every morning to a bright blue sky, sunshine and palm trees outside my bedroom window. The air was filled with smell of night blooming jasmine and heavy from the salty ocean breezes. I could not wait for each new day to begin. I remember thinking "wow, look what we've done, where we are! Far from the doldrums of life that we were tangled up in in Kansas City. We did it, we started over,fresh, together!" Walking hand in hand on the beach to watch the sunset over the pacific was an almost nightly event. I never took those moments lightly or as a cliche. I cherished them then as I do the memories of them now.
Sometimes unimaginable sorrow has me in its' grips as I realize that those moments with Paul are gone forever except in my memories and in my heart. But, like this morning, I am grateful for them. I realize that he and I were two souls that were supposed to find each other and in so doing we made each other better, stronger people. I was never supposed to travel these roads without him, in fact it is because of him that I am able to continue my journey. It is difficult without him, so very difficult and weird, but I know I am never really without him. Now when I see the sun setting over the pacific it is from my apartment windows about 2 hours from the beach, by myself. They are still just as marvelous and magical to me. In one way they are better because Paul is a part of them now. We all need to appreciate and recognize love in our lives whether it be romantic, friendship, familial, whatever. It is precious and it makes us capable of just about anything.