Last Week I was asked what is was really like to lose my husband and if I actually did find comfort in believing that his spirit is always with me. I thought this was very gutsy and interesting because I do not know the woman who asked these questions well at all. It also got me thinking that a lot of people probably want to know the answers to these questions but think they should not ask so I am going to answer them in this blog.
The morning Paul died I was ripped in half. One part of me was taken away forever, never to be seen again and one part of me was still here. I had/have to figure out how to make it feeling incomplete. The pain both emotional and physical is indescribable. Yes I have physical issues as a result. Sometimes it literally feels like I am going about my business but something is missing. I double check that I have my wallet, my keys, my gloves, etc. and then I realize I am not OCD, I am missing my husband. As for the finding comfort in believing that his spirit is always with me, well yes, I definitely find comfort in that knowledge. However, I have a deep spiritual belief that affords me this. I do not think death is a bad thing. It is part of living and part of the circle of life. So I believe my husband has closed is physical circle as we all will at some point and is enjoying the freedom of the next life. I get signs from him constantly and I admit that I might make some of them up in my head but that is ok. I know he takes care of me and is with me always. I talk to him everyday, usually in the car. Thank God for the popularity of Blue Tooth and speaker on our cell phones so people driving by me have no idea that I am talking away to my dead husband. This comfort and belief is the only reason I get out of bed each morning. It would be very very easy to dwell in the muck & negative but that would be disrespectful to me and to my husband. We all die and if we fall in love with someone we are choosing to take the risk that one day we will loose them. The key is that one of us is still here and we have a life to continue living and we must live it. Our loved one wants us to.
Is love worth the pain, of course it is if it is true and real. That love & pain brings lessons and freedom that cannot be attained in any other way.
It is a choice how we deal with the passing of the ones we love and adore. It hurts and is sometimes unbelievable as much, if not more now, almost 16 months from the day, than it did the week after he died. But I see how far I have come and the miracles that have blessed my life and I know I can move forward positively with my husband taking care of me in a different way.
Being a widow is the toughest thing I have experienced but it has taught me who I am and who my true family and friends are. I would do anything, give up everything to have Paul back at my side in this world but that is not going to happen. I have to live with that everyday and figure out how to make that ok.