Thursday, September 16, 2010
It is so unfair, it is just so damn unfair. Yesterday I had a headache that started the day before. I could not shake it which is pretty scary for me considering my medical history with a brain abscess. I know enough to know it is the weather changes bringing on sinus issues as well as tension & stress at being overwhelmed with stuff to do namely get ready for my moving sale next weekend and getting ready to move. Both these things are things I am looking forward to but I am allowing myself to get stressed by it as well because I am doing it by myself. I have had offers to help at the sale which I am taking and tonight I have help going through things for the sale. An amazing friend is coming to help me pack up the uhaul and drive back to Portland and I have offers to help me pack. It is just difficult to go through our & his things and make decisions on what to keep. Today my best friend said what I needed to hear but did not want to say out loud. She said this is your new chapter not Paul's. This was in reference to deciding what to keep or not of his. I know this is true but I just have not been thinking about it. Last night as I ate dinner and hung out on the couch re watching Pulp Fiction I had the thought of what if something medically were to happen to me, I am alone now who, would know? That just makes me sad. I lived alone for years in my 20's and liked it but I loved living with my husband as a couple. Ok, not always but most all of the time. He made me feel like our house was our home. I am comfortable here. I am ready to move on at most levels. Excited even but sometimes I just think about things too much and it takes its' toll. I never thought about moving on without him in the physical sense. At some point all partnered people will have to do it & it will feel unfair. We will move on with our memories. This is life and like the old saying goes "whoever said life was fair?"