Tuesday, September 7, 2010

2 month insight

Today is the 2 month mark of my husband, Paul's passing on. A lot has happened in 2 months. Change has happened. This is not a bad thing...I can say that now. I have experienced things that have made curl up into a ball in bed and cry until my eyes hurt, I have been scared out of my mind, angry, lost, heartbroken, overwhelmed & lonely, had to make some seriously tough decisions but I have also experienced great insight into Paul's passing, a renewed sense of
"self", been really happy, peaceful, laughed, smiled, curled up in bed without crying, had days when my tears were tears of happiness, felt proud, excited and grounded in my spiritual beliefs and practices. A roller coaster for sure, kind of like a kid at Magic Mountain for the first time.
My beliefs are not of a heaven and hell but rather that when we pass on our energies become a part of the one. We are all connected with each other and that never ceases. So I believe that Paul, like my dad, my sister Sue, my friend Melecia and grandparents are a part of me. Their energies are my energies. When I draw on earth and universal energies in T'ai Chi I am drawing on these people to become a part of me. I am still in this world and I still have a life to live and it is because of these people and God that I am able to do it. I do it for me and in turn I am doing it for them. When a person passes it is important to go through the grieving process and to realize that it is possible to move forward positively because that is what they want and that is what they would do. If for no other reason than out of respect for them which is respect for ourselves.
This process is part of this life. It is a teacher. Death and birth really are not that different.
I choose to live my life as best I can. I sure never dreamt that I would be 37 and single again. I am not complaining because in 37 years I have lived a wonderful, satisfying life full of deep love and amazing friendship. I would not trade it for anything. It has made me the person I am today and I am pretty happy with me. Paul is one of the best teachers ever and he wanted me to learn from him and listen to the things he was teaching. We loved The Secret and it dawned on me this past weekend as I was staring at my vision board that I have made many of the things on there manifest and Paul had his hands in those as well. "Ask, Believe, Receive" is what they teach in The Secret and they also say not to question the how. Paul would remind me of that all of the time "don't question the how" he would say. Faith is what they are teaching. Faith in one's self. I realized that Paul is my Secret. He is my how on many levels.
Today I asked that the day be a positive one and it was. It was pretty uneventful but for me positive. No crying, well, maybe once but it was while thinking of funny memories.
So, strap yourself in, put your arms in the air and enjoy the ride no matter how scary the curves and drops seem. We usually all get out of those carts with a smile and a feeling of exhilaration. Life should be lived this way and viewed this way and death is part of life.

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