This morning I was responding to an email of a very dear friend. He is one of my husband's best friends since childhood. What I wrote to him was something I have not really realized, out loud, until I typed it. As I reread it tears poured down my face. Another insight was born.
I am going to quote myself, "trust me I miss him in physical form super bad. I want nothing more than to look into his eyes, hold his hand, kiss him, snuggle with him and feel his arms around me. I think of that everyday. That part of my life has ended and it is really, really hard." The ah ha words are that part of my life has ended. These past 2 months I have not thought of it in these terms. It is not so much what is perceived of Paul that has ended but what in my life has ended as a result that is so painful. A significant portion of my life that gave me love, comfort, and companionship has ended which explains the lost feelings I had and still get sometimes. It would seem so obvious to recognize this but I honestly never did at least conscientiously until I typed it this morning. Now I am anxious to speak with some other widows, I can't stand that title or any title right now, to see if they have realized this yet. It is a pretty big deal even if it does not seem like it.