8 year anniversary

Eight years ago today I was the happiest girl on earth. It was my wedding day! I remember waking up that morning with a flutter in my heart and as I took my shower I just kept thinking this is my wedding day. I was not a little girl who dreamed of a big fairy tale wedding or of my wedding day at all but it was one of the happiest most memorable days of my life. My mother came over in the early afternoon and the flowers arrived from the florist, Paul's mom works for a florist...thank you God for that. The flowers filled up our rundown old back mud porch and they were so beautiful in different shades of bright crimson, oranges, purples and greens. My back yard looked like a dream and the sun was shining much to everyone's delight because this time of the year in the midwest you never know what you will get. It was perfect. I remember staring at my dress on its' hanger and thinking this is the day, I finally get to wear it. I bought my beautiful champagne gown when we lived in Los Angeles. I found it at a little boutique on Sunset Blvd. I did not want a white "wedding" dress. I had no intention of looking weddingy on this day. If what they say to the bride is true "this is your day" than I wanted to do it my way. I wanted old Hollywood glamour and I got it. Shopping for that dress was a special time for me that was all about me and how I wanted Paul to see me as he committed himself to me. The saleswoman in the dress shop made me feel great . They outfitted many for Hollywood events but not weddings. She acted excited and was thrilled with my choice of dress not because it cost a small fortune which compared to what a lot of woman spend on their dresses it did not but because it was made by a local LA designer. I was thrilled by that too because the dress in the boutique did not fit quite right so she had to order me one in the right size. I like knowing that nobody else would have a dress like mine on their wedding day. The saleswoman said to me as I modeled the dress for her "Wait till the your guests back in Kansas get a look at you." That is just how I felt on my wedding day. I had my hairstylist do my hair in old school waves and I shopped for a specific red lipstick for months. Today I am going back for a much needed salon visit to that same hairstylist that helped me prepare for my wedding day 8 years ago. It will most likely be our last visit as I am relocating in a month. This day is not only my anniversary but the gateway to my new next chapter, ironically, as a widow and single woman. I am so extremely grateful for these 8 years and the 10 preceding them of our dating. I had 18 years with my soul mate and best friend. That is a lifetime to me because that is how we lived it with each other, for each other.
When I see these shows on tv about "bridezillas" or hear people getting frantic over who pays for what and is this right about their weddings it is so so sad to me. That is and should be one of the happiest days in the bride and grooms lives and it is not about perfection or we have to do it this way or have that No it is about you as a couple and what you want and how you will feel most comfortable and represented. We deserve wedding days we can look back on 8 years, 10 years, 50 years down the road and smile about not remembering any stress. I am so glad Paul and I did our own thing, we always have and always will. That is who I am and it is who Paul was and I will honor that for us both always. That is a promise, my commitment on this day.

Change

A few weeks ago I was concerned that I would not make it through this day,September 22, 2010, the first day of Autumn, Paul's birthday. I actually had a great and peaceful day. There was no negativity at work which is an amazing thing and we were not busy so I was able to relax and reflect on what this day means to me now. No more meal planning for a special occasion or making a birthday card just celebrating and honoring. I had dinner with girlfriends tonight. These ladies mean a lot to me and they make special points to spend time with me especially when I need them to. We have fun and share stories. One cannot deny the specialness of great friends be them new, old or reconnections. It does not really matter. When you have true friends and are in thier company time means nothing. I am grateful for these women in my life especially now.
Next week is our anniversary. So the end of September is marked with special dates. Ironically or not the day before our anniversary marks 9 years this year that my oldest sister passed on from cancer. Today I chose to look at these special dates as gateways to my next chapter. Days to be honored for what they have brought to my existence and to usher me into my new life. If I look at it this way I am happy for them. I welcome them with an open mind and heart.
I can't say the process of grieving is getting easier but I don't fear it any more. I have learned several lessons in the past 3 years and I am calling on that knowledge and strength to pull me through. I am also allowing myself to walk with the Buddha inside me. No more trying to control or plan but rather going with the flow so to speak. Letting life happen. After all I have amazing people who love me watching out for me in this world and the other.
The Harvest moon is beautiful tonight! It shines bright! Seasons change and so do people, life situations, etc. Hopefully when this happens we can flow like the waters and shine like the harvest moon with possibilities.

unfair

It is so unfair, it is just so damn unfair. Yesterday I had a headache that started the day before. I could not shake it which is pretty scary for me considering my medical history with a brain abscess. I know enough to know it is the weather changes bringing on sinus issues as well as tension & stress at being overwhelmed with stuff to do namely get ready for my moving sale next weekend and getting ready to move. Both these things are things I am looking forward to but I am allowing myself to get stressed by it as well because I am doing it by myself. I have had offers to help at the sale which I am taking and tonight I have help going through things for the sale. An amazing friend is coming to help me pack up the uhaul and drive back to Portland and I have offers to help me pack. It is just difficult to go through our & his things and make decisions on what to keep. Today my best friend said what I needed to hear but did not want to say out loud. She said this is your new chapter not Paul's. This was in reference to deciding what to keep or not of his. I know this is true but I just have not been thinking about it. Last night as I ate dinner and hung out on the couch re watching Pulp Fiction I had the thought of what if something medically were to happen to me, I am alone now who, would know? That just makes me sad. I lived alone for years in my 20's and liked it but I loved living with my husband as a couple. Ok, not always but most all of the time. He made me feel like our house was our home. I am comfortable here. I am ready to move on at most levels. Excited even but sometimes I just think about things too much and it takes its' toll. I never thought about moving on without him in the physical sense. At some point all partnered people will have to do it & it will feel unfair. We will move on with our memories. This is life and like the old saying goes "whoever said life was fair?"

vegan veggie pizza

This is an easy vegan pizza. Most of the ingredients came from the farmer's markets around town including the pizza crust.

1 whole grain spelt pizza round (I get them from a local company called Bread of Life at the Brookside Farmer's Market in Kansas City, MO)

1 6ounce can no sugar added tomato paste
1 link Italian flavor Field Roast "sausage" (from Whole Foods) sliced
1 medium yellow tomato, sliced
1-2 cloves of garlic chopped
oregano to taste
3 oyster mushrooms torn into pieces (from the farmer's market)
Black Olives to taste torn to pieces
red onion slices to taste
red bell pepper slices to taste
Black Truffle Oil

Set the oven at 425 and assemble the pizza spreading the tomato paste first, then adding the chopped garlic, sprinkle the oregano and add everything else except the truffle oil. Cook for 5 minutes and then sprinkle the truffle oil and continue cooking for 4 more minutes. slice and serve.

what has ended

This morning I was responding to an email of a very dear friend. He is one of my husband's best friends since childhood. What I wrote to him was something I have not really realized, out loud, until I typed it. As I reread it tears poured down my face. Another insight was born.
I am going to quote myself, "trust me I miss him in physical form super bad. I want nothing more than to look into his eyes, hold his hand, kiss him, snuggle with him and feel his arms around me. I think of that everyday. That part of my life has ended and it is really, really hard." The ah ha words are that part of my life has ended. These past 2 months I have not thought of it in these terms. It is not so much what is perceived of Paul that has ended but what in my life has ended as a result that is so painful. A significant portion of my life that gave me love, comfort, and companionship has ended which explains the lost feelings I had and still get sometimes. It would seem so obvious to recognize this but I honestly never did at least conscientiously until I typed it this morning. Now I am anxious to speak with some other widows, I can't stand that title or any title right now, to see if they have realized this yet. It is a pretty big deal even if it does not seem like it.

2 month insight

Today is the 2 month mark of my husband, Paul's passing on. A lot has happened in 2 months. Change has happened. This is not a bad thing...I can say that now. I have experienced things that have made curl up into a ball in bed and cry until my eyes hurt, I have been scared out of my mind, angry, lost, heartbroken, overwhelmed & lonely, had to make some seriously tough decisions but I have also experienced great insight into Paul's passing, a renewed sense of
"self", been really happy, peaceful, laughed, smiled, curled up in bed without crying, had days when my tears were tears of happiness, felt proud, excited and grounded in my spiritual beliefs and practices. A roller coaster for sure, kind of like a kid at Magic Mountain for the first time.
My beliefs are not of a heaven and hell but rather that when we pass on our energies become a part of the one. We are all connected with each other and that never ceases. So I believe that Paul, like my dad, my sister Sue, my friend Melecia and grandparents are a part of me. Their energies are my energies. When I draw on earth and universal energies in T'ai Chi I am drawing on these people to become a part of me. I am still in this world and I still have a life to live and it is because of these people and God that I am able to do it. I do it for me and in turn I am doing it for them. When a person passes it is important to go through the grieving process and to realize that it is possible to move forward positively because that is what they want and that is what they would do. If for no other reason than out of respect for them which is respect for ourselves.
This process is part of this life. It is a teacher. Death and birth really are not that different.
I choose to live my life as best I can. I sure never dreamt that I would be 37 and single again. I am not complaining because in 37 years I have lived a wonderful, satisfying life full of deep love and amazing friendship. I would not trade it for anything. It has made me the person I am today and I am pretty happy with me. Paul is one of the best teachers ever and he wanted me to learn from him and listen to the things he was teaching. We loved The Secret and it dawned on me this past weekend as I was staring at my vision board that I have made many of the things on there manifest and Paul had his hands in those as well. "Ask, Believe, Receive" is what they teach in The Secret and they also say not to question the how. Paul would remind me of that all of the time "don't question the how" he would say. Faith is what they are teaching. Faith in one's self. I realized that Paul is my Secret. He is my how on many levels.
Today I asked that the day be a positive one and it was. It was pretty uneventful but for me positive. No crying, well, maybe once but it was while thinking of funny memories.
So, strap yourself in, put your arms in the air and enjoy the ride no matter how scary the curves and drops seem. We usually all get out of those carts with a smile and a feeling of exhilaration. Life should be lived this way and viewed this way and death is part of life.