Saturday, August 7, 2010

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Today is a tough day because one month ago the love of my life passed away. It seems like one year and one hour ago at the same time. I have and continue to ride the roller coaster of emotions. The highs, the lows, the long sudden drops, the upside downs and the curves. What I am so keenly aware of is how important it is to live my life like I mean it in a positive way. I had the ultimate inspirational teacher in Paul. It would be disrespectful to him if I did not do this and push on. It is what he wants for me and what I want for myself. I have had a beautiful life so far and it is not over. I will continue to have a beautiful life. It has had a lot of unexpected twists and turns but I have grown from them in so many ways. Paul played an enormous role in this and for him I will always be grateful. His presence in my life then and now is of pure joy, strength, creativity, honesty, support, love and openness. Our dear friend Dana said the most profound words to me a few days after Paul passed while I was crying and grieving hard. She said you know Keri the situation could have been reversed three years ago when you were sick and how would you have wanted Paul to handle this because that is what he wants for you. I actually never had thought about that and I think about it everyday now. I am still learning lessons. Today complete exhaustion has set in. I have never felt so tired and foggy. This morning I could not remember my phone number for about 5 minutes. I have thought about it and in three years I have gone from being seriously sick myself, having brain surgery, almost dying, all kinds of therapies, another surgery and recovery to Paul getting diagnosed with stage IV inoperable, metastatic, pancreatic cancer, processing that, figuring out what the in the hell to do, researching, researching, researching, taking nutrition classes, learning to cook, learning to be the best possible advocate, caretaker, nondegreed doctor possible, changing my lifestyle with Paul, making unbelievably great memories, writing like a mad woman, Paul actually getting sick,being in the hospital, complete organ failure, Paul passing, planning a memorial for my husband (something I never thought I would have to time soon anyway), starting to deal with all of the paperwork crap that has to be dealt with, shock wearing off, realizing it is not a nightmare it is real, crying uncontrollably everyday, acceptance (yeah right but there is no other choice), burn out. Three years is a long time and it will make you tired. I must allow myself time to rest. I know this. It is crazy because in times like this it is easy to ignore the things you know just so you can make it through another day. Deep breath.
Some very great things have happened this week too. The one I am most happy about is the fact that I found Paul's wedding ring or it found me. I had looked and looked for it since the day he passed away with no luck. Dana even looked for me. It was making me crazy not to find it. He had to stop wearing it when he was doing chemo because he lost so much weight (from cancer and chemo combined) that it slid right off his finger. So Thursday night I was in our dressing room and looked up at a built in cabinet that I never really pay attention to and notice two flat boxes on top. I knew what these were and decided to get them down to take to a friend I would be seeing later that evening. Just before I started to take them down I said out loud "ok sir, I really need to find your ring. Please Paul help me find it." Then I stood on my tip toes and tried to wrestle these boxes off the shelf. A little box fell from on top of them. I looked at it and it was the box Paul's wedding band came in so I opened it and there it was. I just started crying because I had finally found it and there was no doubt that he was listening to me. No doubt at all. So if you have ever wondered if those that have passed on here you talking to them just remember this story. They absolutely do.
There is beauty in all of this and I try hard to pick it out and focus on it. It is the circle of life happening and in reality I have never felt so connected as I have this past month and now. I already kew how precious life was because I almost lost it but wow! know I am super aware of it and I so appriciate mine.

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