Thursday, July 29, 2010

Acknowledge the past,honor the present,open to possibilities

I had T'ai Chi at Turning Point today for the first time in too long. Because of work schedules changing I had to stop taking the class that Paul & I love so much but because of my schedule changing again I am now able to go back...just when I need it. Another gift from Paul. My favorite movement has always been one that acknowledges the past, honors the present and opens us to possibilities. Today that was especially poignant to me. We repeated it a few times so I had time to think about what my past is and what it has given me. Also, I was able to think about the present moment and what that means to me know and all of the possibilities that I am open too.
Just going through that movement gave me peace and comfort. Paul liked doing one called wave arms like clouds. During this one we are invited to close ours eyes through the movement and visualize clouds passing by. So today I visualized Paul in his favorite baby blue t-shirt doing this movement as I had seen him do it for 2 1/2 years on top of a cloud. It was so clear it was like it was real. It made me smile. The T'ai Chi we do is more like a meditation and combines a little Qi gong.
Interestingly I have found comfort in looking back and remembering Paul and myself. I would have thought that doing this would be crushing but it is not. It brings happiness, appreciation and awareness to my heart & mind. The night I wrote about how we met I also listened to the songs he used to sing and play for me on guitar. Then I remembered how I used to feel seeing him playing on stage. It was like I was 20 again and those butterflies that come with falling in love and being attracted to someone came back. My girlfriends and I call those the salad days. The salad days are so fun. Mine with Paul lasted a really long time. They popped back into play whenever he picked up the guitar and sang me a song or just stared at me sitting next to him like I was the greatest thing. He did these things often for 18 years. That is something to hold onto and feel grateful for. That is part of my past and it shapes my present. It is amazing. The gratitude I have for us being a part of each others' lives is limitless. These things far out weigh grief. Grief is a monster and I do not deny it but I like to release it and make room for joy and peace. That is what Paul wants me to do and it is what he would have done in my shoes. Grief is kinda like cancer really,emotionally speaking and I intend to deal with it the way we dealt with cancer. I have one of the best role models for inspiration.

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