I am listening to Kris Carr on Enrgy Talk Radio and am so inspired. One thing I am thinking about listening to her is that at one point Paul got tired of having to live with cancer. I am sure that he did not do this just once but he voiced it once to me. He just said it out loud to me that he wanted to just be normal. That is when he decided to do the open audtion for a bass player for The Smashing Pumpkins. He was so happy & excited doing this. He wasn't letting cancer dash his rock star dream. What I am proud of us for doing is that we did not try to ignore his feelings. We were both tired of it but of course I wanted him always to stay positive. I know that we cannot deny our feelings and no matter what we must acknowledge them and then release some of them that don't help. When we were happy we showed it, when we were mad we showed it but that negative energy we released. Being afraid is normal and there were times that we were for sure...for me especially in the last 4 weeks of Paul's physical life. I just want those dealing with cancer or other illness to know that these feelings are real and it is ok. Acknowledge and release them but don't bury them. They are part of who you are and your journey. Your energy, good or bad, exists here. Your energy is so important. Look into some energy work tecniques. We did Qi Gong, T'ai Chi & Jin Shin Jyutsu. I won't forget that in 2008 Paul went to the National Cancer Survivors Day event in our town and there was a man giving free energy readings to those with cancer. Paul got one and the man told him his energy was flowing really well except in these two spots. Those were the tumor spots. Paul was so happy to tell me this.
Cancer is more than a disease to most who have it & thier loved ones...it is a label, a stereotype, a gift, a wake up call, a nightmare. We chose to see it as an opportunity. We took it and we grew from it. I think we both became very in tune with our bodies and our lives in this universe. Paul knew when his time had come...I know that now. But oddly I find comfort in it too. I know I am healthy because I feel good. It is the most important thing I do..keep myself healthy physically, mentally & spiritually. Find yourself and live your life...be nurturing & nourishing. It is within your control to live a beautiful life no matter what.