Yesterday was 2 weeks which seems so unreal. It was a good day though..thank god. I saw my red bird in the backyard in the afternoon. I met with my mother-in-law briefly and made plans for breakfast Sunday before my writing class. I picked up a new rose to put in the ceramic vase that my niece made a few years ago. It sits next to Paul's urn and matches wonderfully. Paul had stacks of magazines under the bed that I saw yesterday morning. I pulled out 3 stacks of dusty magazines for the recycle bin. No porn...well they were music magazines so for Paul...same thing. One of my brothers stopped by on his lunch break for a visit. It was nice. I think that as an adult that is the first time that has happened. It was good to have some just us time. I was a little girl when he was in high school. He always made time for his baby sister is how I remember it. I remember him taking me to the school carnival. Good memories. He was in the hospital with me when Paul passed. Yesterday I realized that between us Paul & I could have began a library. We have tons of books. So I sold some yesterday. I think Half Priced Books might get sick of me soon. It felt good to get rid of some stuff. These were books that we never finished or I know I will never reference or read again.
I have someone to talk with now that gets it. We know each other from a website we are both members of. She recently lost her partner of 21 years, I think that is right, to cancer. It helps so much to be in communication with her. I am grateful that she is willing to share with me. It is so helpful.
Over the past few days I have been thinking a lot about the credit people have graciously given to me for taking care of Paul and such and I appreciate it and take it but it makes me aware that he never got any credit for taking care of me during my illness and in my opinion he had a much tougher job. Nobody knew what to expect from me. I was alive and that was a miracle but would I walk again, talk normally, be able to basically function again? Nobody knew. It was intensely scary to me who did not fully understand what was going on so it had to scare the pants off Paul. He never showed it to me though. He would wake up early and get me downstairs on the sofa, make my breakfast, connect my pic lines and sort out my 41 pills each day into morning, lunch & night. He knew them all. He came home at lunch to check up and did it all again after work. He had to help me wash my hair, eventually make sure I could drive, all kinds of stuff. and he kept me laughing and smiling the whole time. He said he never doubted that I was going to be ok because he saw it in me everyday. I didn't. It was so scary to me. It had to be for him. Then at the end of my year recovery he was diagnosed. We were so devastated. I remember that first week just staying home and trying to comprehend what the hell was happening. We cried together for days. I hadn't seen him cry before really. We decided during that time that we would battle the beast however we could that would not make him sicker or more unhealthy and that is what we did. I did the homework but Paul did the work. He deserves the credit. It takes at least 2 people. One does the homework,research, etc. and the other does the work. and hopefully you have docs supporting you. We did. we couldn't have gotten as far as we did without our Naturopath. I will always love her and credit her. Paul too. Our oncologist was mostly great as well up until the end. Anyway, just thoughts to share.
Paul loved/loves me unconditionally and so deeply as I do him but he was/is my rock,my courage, my strength, my joy, my happiness, my guide. I love him so much. My life is good because of Paul and all he gave to me. He deserves some credit.