Grieving is a complicated process. It is complex with so many layers. My first feelings were complete shock & disbelief...those still exist. I went to pain,fear and emptiness next...also still there. Yesterday I felt physically sick to top it off but was able to take a walk with a forever friend on one of Paul & I's walking routes. I ran an errand with another forever friend and located the cd of his latest recored song. I played and it made me so happy not so sad. Moments of clarity and recognition have come to me. Paul has come to me I believe a few times to help me through. My husband was/is a musician. He played guitar,his main instrament, drums, piano,bass, sax, recorded and wrote music. Beautiful music. His dream was to be a rock star. He achieved this dream for 2 1/2 years. It was not through his music but through his strength, courage and will to live with stage IV, inoperable, metastic, pancreatic cancer. during his journey we meet so many people living with or who had survived cancer or other serious illnesses and I shared openly our story with others like us on a website for others like us. People worldwide know his name and his story and have found inspiration, motivation and courage because of him. Around the world and in our neck of the woods. Paul did not just give these gifts to people who were ill but also to those who are just living life. because he did with such grace and joy and happiness during his cancer journey up to the last day. I believe his life path had cancer in it so that he could fulfill his calling on earth to inspire life. he did it marvalously and I am so proud of him and honored to have been a part of it all. Not many are able to recognize or fulfill thier purpose but my baby did it. In this moment now I am happy and proud. I will forever miss him and ache for him but he will always be a part of me and he is always with me. Cancer died on July 7,2010 my husband didn't. If you want to hear his latest cd you can find it on itunes or CDBaby.com under the name Airline Bungalow. an amazing friend of ours is trying to set up amazing friend of ours is trying to set up a memorial fund in his name for musicians with cancer through her business Basicmissions. That way he can continue fulfilling his purpose.
I married the most amazing man. We loved each other in a way many people never know.
Live your life well in love and happiness.