Monday, July 26, 2010

A hard day's night

Tonight I ate the worst, nutritionally, dinner I have eaten in over 2 1/2 years. I had a Rice Dream Mocha Moon Pie, an individual bag of Kettle Chips Krinkle Cut Salt & Pepper Potato Chips and a Hazelnut Crusted Field Roast from Whole Foods Deli. Now I admit it was delicious!
The Rice Dream Moon Pie and the chips were our food vices. They were treats on ocassion except when Paul saw the chips on sale 2 for $5 or the summer he ordered a case of the moon pies for home. The field roast is one of my favorite things. It is like comfort food for me. So I justify this meal like this. I went back to work today for the first time in a month. It was going back to work. Nothing crazy, no bad moods just not where I wanted to be. I heard the word sweet on the stereo in the car and it sparked tears because my dad used to call me sweets. After he died last year Paul started doing it. Now it reminds me of my two favorite men in the world. I tried to take care of some of the stuff I have to deal with that is frustrating & no fun. Only one person who was suppossed to call me back today did it. I came home and realized that I was out of water and food for breakfast and tonight is my sangha night which is my meditation night. so I cut that short and only stayed 30 minutes and went to the store. This is when it got tough. It has only been 3 weeks since Paul passed away and I have been to the store twice and it is not getting easier. I only shop for one now and it is hard to pass the foods that he loved. We used to eat at the store on shopping nights and the thought of eating by myself there makes me sad. When I look at the tables I can see him sitting there waiting for me to bring utensils and napkins. I also only need the small cart now. But the hardest thing is that the people there are very friendly and a few recognize us as regular customers and one in particular knew about Paul having cancer and the pain he was in in the past few months and that he was going to try the nerve block. He was working tonight so he came over to the check out lane I was in. I knew he would ask me about Paul because he always did. He seemed to notice my groceries were considerably less and he asked me how his treatments were going? I felt as sorry for him having to hear what I was about to say as I did for me having to say it. I looked up and told him that he passed away 3 weeks ago. He obviously did not know what to say at first and I had nothing to offer to make the situation any better. He finally reached for my hand but got the cart and looked me in the face and said "you know even with all the pain he was just a really nice man."I almost lost it. I thanked him and he told me to take care of myself and I told him he would still be seeing me and he said yes but take care of yourself. It was so sweet. I am just in awe that Paul was able to touch people's lives like he did. I mean this was a younger guy at the grocery store not a friend from years ago or something. They just got along and spoke to each other about once per week.
So even though I had a beautiful salad made for dinner I caved and ate the other stuff. I deserve it. For some reason moments like that with people that are not strangers but not friends or family are tough. The waiter at a resturant we always went too was the same way.
On my drive home I noticed the sky was beautiful as the sun set. It was a Pacific sunset which to me means blue, orange, pink and purple hues. It was amazing. Paul & I started really taking notice of the sky,the colors, the clouds, etc. after a painting class we took last year. Tonight's sky gave me some comfort. You got to take where you can get it sometimes. Not to shabby.

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