Tuesday, July 20, 2010

The feeling of being overwhelmed is intense. I have never felt anything like it before and considering everything I have been through in my life that is saying alot. There is so much to do...it is crazy. I don't want to do any of it either..at all. I can't imagine going through his clothes and deciding what to keep & what to get rid of. I have worn his clothes since the day he died and have no plans to stop. It makes me feel better. All of his cd's & albums..what to do. Our music taste was pretty much the same but there are certain things I will never listen to so what to do with them. Giving away a musicians music seems wrong and I just can't do it. Not now anyway. I know that there is no rush or timeline but I have to do it. Stuff like that is unimaginable to have to do. Just thinking about gives me a sinking feeling. This sucks! It just does no matter what..it sucks. The damn phone never rang and now it does not stop. It is so annoying. It took me 3 days to figure out the tv because he had it all rigged up to all kinds of other stuff like the stereo. I don't even watch it too often. All I can do right now is cry. No matter that I accomplished some important stuff today and spent a few hours holding a sweet, sweet baby during a visit with a friend of a friend and came home to a mowed lawn. It all can't make this better right now. I don't know if anything can. I believe my future is bright and that this is a new chapter kinda like a gift from Paul in a weird way that I would eagerly return for getting him back. This is the situation and I must deal. It hurts so bad to have this hole in my heart...worse than any brain abscess or cancer. Nothing could have prepared me for this...nothing. Tomorrow is 2 weeks. It feels like 2 years in some ways. The days seem to fly by. What do I do this year on his birthday and our anniversary? How do I handle that??? How do I handle any of this? I am trying really hard to be positive and strong but that just is not possible all of the time. Like at the grocery store by myself only having to buy for me and using the little carts because I don't need the big one any more.

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