Saturday, July 24, 2010
I was trying to take advice today and have this be a do nothing & rest day but no can do. It just doesn't feel right. That might sound nuts..it kinda does to me anyway. The last few weeks have been a nonstop roller coaster and the ride continues on and I am tired & don't want to do anything but....doing nothing just isn't me or hasn't been me for 3 years. I did take a nap this afternoon. That's a big deal. It is so pretty outside but so hot. I want to be out there but it is just too hot for doing anything. That's the midwest for you. I did see my red bird this morning when I was outside. I just watched two squirrels playing with each other and a mommy robin helping her young catch bugs. There is comfort and awareness in being outside in nature,even your backyard. That robin helping her young find food is no different that a human mom feeding her child. Those young squirrels tumbling around is no different than kids playing with each other. We are all connected...people, animals, this planet, the universe. We must realize this and take care because when we do we are taking care of ourselves and our families. I had an amazing conversation yesterday with a dear friend and she was talking about openness. One of the things Paul & I discovered in the last 2 years is that the more you open your mind to the possibilities and world that is out there the more you grow and the more you become one with yourself. Great things happen when we do this. My friend gave me the kick in the pants I needed and it turned my day around...more than one day actually. She turned my mind around and switched me back on to me. I got some possible good news last evening, spoke to another amazing friend about a great opportunity that we might try to make reality, slept great, heard Paul talking to me, and have not shed a tear today. I have faith and belief in myself...Paul always did and still does...it is my turn now and it is exciting. I am ready for this new chapter with Paul's guidance. I don't feel afraid any more. I am not saying I am over him passing...not at all. I don't know that I ever will be but I know he set us on a course that I want to explore and if I have to physically do it alone..well..that is what I have to do. Maybe one of Paul's greatest gifts to me is belief in myself. We were definitely meant to be part f each other's lives. I was telling one of my friends this yesterday. Our dating career was a long one with several 1 or 2 day breakups but the last break up was for 6 months and I distinctly remember it feeling like it has since he passed. Like I lost my heart and part of my soul and how could I possibly move on. I wrote a ton during that time and took some of it to my advisor in college, I had graduated already, she was impressed and said to me wow what has happened? I told her my boyfriend broke up with me and she said remember I used to say you write so well in hard times. I think most creative people do some of their best work in hard times which is sad because the happy times are as emotional. Anyway, I will continue spilling it all out on the blog. It helps me but I hope it helps others to read these and know that it is important to understand and be in touch with who you are and what is going on in your life. Get it out don't bottle it up. That's how we get sick. It is raw & it is life.