Yesterday was such a good day. I got some moments of clarity, was able to contact people that I wanted to know about Paul by pure luck in finding their phone numbers, was brought an amazing & healthy dinner and felt like Paul was with me all day. Today is a different story. Today I decided to try to take care of some business type stuff and was getting nowhere fast. I did get a few things accomplished but there is so much to do like this. Having strangers tell you how sorry they are is nice of them but inexplicably sickening to me for some reason. Monday is not the day to try and do this stuff. I sat on hold for a total of an hour and just gave up until tomorrow. My husband was a pack rat and unorganized so certain things I need to find I am having trouble finding. The crazy part is that if he were here he would go right to it.
I finally had to leave the house. I went to a lovely and seemingly unknown spot that I like in a park close to our home. I sat there for awhile and came back home feeling sad because I didn't feel him with me but our best friend just called and told me a story that let me know he was visiting her and thanking her for taking care of me so well. So I feel better. I am just not used to a quiet house. I don't mind it but it is weird. So many new things to get used to on top of everything else. It spins my head. Every so often I think I hear walking on our old creaky wood floors or stirring in the kitchen. It is not scary. It just is...unknown.
I don't want to talk but I can write. It is like I am finally coming down. I don't feel so much pain like I had been as sadness now but mixed with a feeling of it is okay. It is very hard to describe.
Part of me wants to veg out in front of the tv like we would occasionally do to some shows but part of me wants to throw up and I don't know.
I guess as long as I make it through today I am good. I will daydream about the pacific ocean. It is so near & dear to my heart & well being as it was to Paul's. I am so glad that we were able to get back to it the past 2 years. Our hearts never left the West Coast really.