Saturday, July 17, 2010

deep breath

This morning is one of those weird mornings. I woke up early even though my intention was to sleep in so in an effort to gain more rest I did not get out of bed but my mind was not on the same page and was going through what I could do today. I got up made breakfast, threw in some laundry and made lunch plans on the phone. For some reason I wanted an iced coffee. Now I am not really a coffee drinker but my husband went through a phase of it and made amazing organic iced coffees with rice milk & agave or honey so ...I have the coffee still..he stopped drinking it but we used it for other holistic purposes. I will leave it at that. I sat down with my breakfast of chia seeds, blueberries & walnuts in rice milk and a big cup of iced coffee. I opened some mail and after 3 drinks my stomach was churning. It is my payback for taking my sister-in-law from Florida to eat at the new raw restaurant in town which is fabulous and the last place Paul & I ate out at together but completely not what she is used to so...even though she enjoyed her meal it did not sit well. I know that happens and gave it no thought because I am so used to it just being my husband & I who are used to it. It is all good though. But between the coffee, mail I opened and oh...everything I am having one of those mornings. I spoke to a friend from our California days last night for the first time in 8 years. She is a therapist and works with hospice among other things. It is interesting because we lost touch for so long and I have tried to locate her several times and about a month or so ago I find her on Facebook and we reconnect...right in time. We had a great 2 hour or so conversation and she made me feel better and normal...well as normal as possible for me. I have never been "normal" which is one thing I love about myself. The roller coaster of emotion is crazy...happy & peaceful one moment and crying the next. she said in these time it is not minute by minute but second by second for me. Boy do i know that is true. No matter my outlook,my excitement to start my new life's chapter, my awesome is still a fact that Paul is not physically here with me anymore and our connection is/was such a strong one on so many levels..always that nothing will take away the heaviness of this loss in my life. It doesn't seem possible. Ya know so many people seemed to recognize it in us and have told me that recently..even his guy friends...I never realized people saw it. We knew it & felt it. I am so glad we radiated it so others know it is possible and the soul mates thing is real and not woo woo talk. Some of us are meant to share this life together and how amazing is it to actually find that person. Really amazing. It stops my tears to think about it. we literally saw each other across a loud crowded room and were talking & flirting a few minutes later and the rest is history.


  1. Keri- I know what you say to be true.
    We celebrat lif enow because of how beautiful Paul is and his joy that spread to us, but we also mourn the physical loss of him not being here.
    I've been back and forth for days between smiles and tears so I can't even imagine the up and down emotions that are transpiring for you rigght now.
    However, those are good to.
    It's a radical thing to do, but thanking God, the higher power for moments of trials and pain can relieve us from th fact that we aren't immune to hurt and sufferring, but through suffering we grow and learn and learn to love and see God's love and light so much brighter.
    Paul's light is shining bright with God right now!

  2. Keri, You are really good at communicating what you are feeling. I have often wondered what it would be like to be without my best friend and soulmate. You sure expressed it well here. Thanks for the thoughtful post. Big hugs, CF

  3. I'm so glad to be able to come here and read about the beauty your life is still filled with. I'm still so very sad for your loss though. Thanks so much for sharing.